Relationships and Neuro diversity

All relationships can have difficulties over the course of years. Compromise, communication and connection are the core foundation alongside love and a commitment.

Adding in a neuro divergent component can cause couples more difficulty.

If the neurodiversity is not recognised or understood each partner is reading from a different script in many scenarios.

Couple Dynamics

Because there is love and affection most couples start out believing that they are “soulmates’. Or that they have found their “other half”. Or they get on so well together, they never imagine there are profound differences in the way they see and experience the world.

However over time the differences can start to pull the couple apart. Whilst ASD and ADHD have different symptoms the impact on the couple dynamic is very similar so working with neuro diversity includes both.

Communication Issues

Neuro diverse brains process information differently to those of the neuro typical.

This can lead to couples experiencing and interpreting events differently. The assumption is that they see things the same way but actually there can be a massive difference.

The mix of brain wiring

Every couple is totally unique to itself. However, if ADHD is present in one, there will be patterns of behaviour and reactivity that can be readily identified as originating from an ADHD symptom.

If the couple are both ADHD, then the effect on the couple is different to a pairing of an ADHD brain, and a more neuro typical brain.

ADHD + ADHD = do well together… of course they face the same issues that any couple does… but they basically understand each other’s “wiring.” This means that they do not jump to the wrong ASSUMPTIONS.

The mix of different brain wiring in a neuro diverse relationship may do exactly that, leading to consistent miscommunication.

ADHD + NT = two people singing from different hymn sheets without realising that they are.

The difference between the way that the two brains process information and experience, cannot be navigated effectively if both parts of the couple believe that they THINK in the same way.

Understanding how you are different to each other

This is the first piece of work with a couple… to explain that they are different in many ways. Most importantly, they process daily life, experience and communication in ways that do not always facilitate the correct understanding in terms of the intention or capacity of their partner.

Education around this DIFFERENCE is the key to these relationships surviving and thriving.

What is different about a Neuro Diverse relationship?

Like any couple, the early days of a relationship are usually without too much conflict.

The couple starts to get used to being around each other and generally spend a lot of time together. Whilst the differences are present from the beginning of the relationship, there is a passion and intensity in these relationships that enables couples to manage, avoid and/or depress them.

However, as the years roll by, the symptoms of ADHD start to make themselves very comfortable in the couple dynamic and begin to affect the status quo…

As life becomes more complicated for a couple, so does the connection between the partners.

Communication issues start to impact the couple’s dynamic, as cycles of misunderstanding keep repeating in a confusing way causing frustration, disappointment and angry exchanges.

The patterns need identifying and the couple given strategies to avoid the fights, silence and withdrawal.

Emotional reactivity escalates more regularly into arguments causing distress and hopelessness. How to recognise and manage an emotional escalation can be so much more effective if both partners are working at it together. They can play to their strengths.

Defensive and blaming arguments increase as the couple struggles to understand where they keep misunderstanding each other.

When a couple are entrenched in this type of habitual pattern the relationship is stagnant. A defensive response elicits another defensive response and closes down any possibility of an open and real conversation….so many lost opportunities, loneliness and space between each other and connection is lost.

Differing Sensitivity levels add to misunderstanding, assumptions, rejections and hurt.

Moving forward

Education around these differences is fun for a couple once the dialogue is opened up…but it probably needs help to break down the embarrassment, hurt and rejection. Then the uncovering of so many mixed messages begins .

Working with a couple therapist who can use two lenses for the work is helpful.

A thorough couple training gives assurance that the work is safe enough to actually explore difference.

Add in a neuro diverse understanding and the process becomes twice as effective.

Lots of knowledge, education and strategies can bring a couple back from the abyss. I have seen it so many times.

In the hands of a skilled practitioner that understands the couple dynamics there is real change and progress as the couple rekindle their connection.