How do I save my marriage?
In many relationships, couples find themselves at a crossroads, contemplating how to save their marriage. Often, there is an interplay of demanding careers, working from home, and the balancing act of family life. This can create a perfect storm that tests even the strongest couples.
So while you make your vows to each other to love each other through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Sometimes it gets so difficult that you feel your marriage needs to be ‘saved’. This is how many couples come to couples therapy — they’re in crisis and they need my help. Let’s get into the most common problems in marriages and how to get through them together.
Common relationship struggles
Two careers in a household, often working from home, blur the boundaries between personal and professional life. The demanding workweek, exacerbated by the lack of childcare options, creates an environment where couples are left with little time and even fewer opportunities for intimacy and connection. Privacy becomes a rare commodity, and the resulting strain can take a toll on even the most resilient partnerships.
For several reasons, working from home can have an impact on relationships. Perhaps you’re around each other so much that you feel you have fewer things to talk about. Maybe you’re arguing more compared to when one or both of you were in the office. Or maybe the novelty of the perks of remote working and spending more time together has worn off. All of these things can have an impact on your connection.
It takes two
The first step in saving a marriage is the acknowledgement that it takes effort from both partners. The demands of contemporary life may have caused a disconnect, but the willingness of both individuals to mend the relationship is paramount. The challenges we’ve covered can lead to one or both partners looking for joy outside of the relationship. Infidelity is one of the most common things couples go to therapy about.
If one has already had an affair, viewing it as an opportunity for a new beginning can be a catalyst for positive change. The betrayal is undoubtedly traumatic, but it doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship.
Three questions you should address in your couple
When faced with the daunting task of salvaging a relationship, three fundamental questions should guide the way.
- What went wrong?
- Do we want to try?
- What’s our new deal?
These questions provide a roadmap for self-reflection and mutual understanding, fostering open communication and a shared commitment to rebuilding the relationship.
Stepping stones to marital success
Reflecting on these questions, you can make some key changes to put your relationship back on track.
Recognising the disconnect
Stale marriages often exhibit common symptoms – a lack of compassion, diminished intimacy, and breakdowns in communication. Resentment builds, creating a chasm that may lead to the intrusion of external influences. Affairs, while not the fault of the betrayed party, are less likely to occur when a couple is emotionally connected, talking, laughing, and spending quality time together.
The role of communication
Saving a marriage hinges on prioritising communication. Daily check-ins, even with a busy schedule, can provide a platform for emotional connection. Scheduling time for shared activities without the presence of children is crucial. Whether it’s a movie night or a quiet dinner, these moments create a sanctuary for the couple, fostering the closeness needed to weather the storms of life. It can be difficult to get childcare to go out to spend time together. In this case, creating space and time at home is just as valuable.
Physical presence
In today’s practical world, it’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves sleeping in separate rooms. While practical reasons may justify this choice, the importance of spending time together before bed should not be overlooked. A quick chat, a shared cup of tea, or simply checking in on each other’s day can be the glue that holds a marriage together. It’s the gesture of checking in with each other even if you’re both busy. This nurtures a feeling that no matter what life’s challenges may be, your partner is on your team.
The power of small gestures
Saving a marriage doesn’t always require grand gestures. Small, intentional acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can go a long way. From leaving a heartfelt note to planning a surprise date night, these acts reaffirm the commitment to the relationship. It’s about making the other person feel valued and cherished regardless of circumstances.
Seeking professional guidance
Recognising the need for external help is a strength, not a weakness. Professional intervention, such as couples therapy or a ‘relationship MOT,’ provides a structured and supportive environment for couples to navigate their challenges. I can offer insights, tools, and strategies tailored to the unique dynamics of the relationship, guiding the couple towards a path of healing and growth.
When you first start therapy and coaching for your couple, you may be at a point where the resentment and disconnect is so great that it’s difficult to address your feelings together. With my help, we’ll get to the bottom of the emotions and past experiences behind your conflict. I’ll help you look at yourselves, each other and your connection with a comprehensive lens. I’ll also give you a sturdy toolkit to work through conflicts together and emerge stronger than ever.
In the tangle of modern life, relationships often bear the brunt of numerous challenges. However, the power to save a marriage lies within the commitment of both partners to nurture their connection. By addressing the challenges that are creating a chasm, fostering open communication, and incorporating intentional acts of love, couples can embark on a journey of rediscovery and revitalisation. Seeking professional guidance further enhances the chances of success, providing the tools needed to navigate the intricacies of modern relationships and emerge stronger together.
What to expect from couples therapy and coaching
I create a safe space for you and your partner to feel heard and create a pathway forward. If your couple is in crisis, I’m here to help. Whether it’s online or in person, our sessions will explore how you arrived at the crisis and give you behavioural strategies to improve your couple connection.
