How to address resentment in your couple
Key points in about resentment in relationships
- Resentment builds over time in couples in several ways, often coming down to an inequality or sense of unfairness.
- Making your partner feel heard in dedicated meetings to address resentment is key to reducing it bit by bit.
- It won’t happen overnight, but I’ll outline simple strategies to move through it together.
Resentment. The word has a thickness and weight to it. It evokes a lot of feelings, including anger and shame. Some don’t want to admit to feeling it. Yet it’s one of the most common underlying emotions that come up in my therapy room. It can compound over time, making it difficult to get to the bottom of it – yet approaching it with curiosity can lead to the biggest breakthroughs.
Resentment can be defined as, “Bitter indignation at being treated unfairly.” So many couples harbour resentment for countless reasons, as many reasons as there are ideas of unfairness. Couples often come to therapy and coaching sincerely wanting to love each other and turn a page. They understand that a lot of loving someone is making an active choice every day. Yet resentment is like a backpack carried by one or the other, or sometimes both. This backpack is full of bricks, the baggage of resentment. It needs to be lightened, one by one.
What are some common causes of resentment in relationships?
Resentment builds over time and can increase as a person experiences disappointment. These disappointments are different for every individual and every couple. However, some common themes frequently crop up. These are:
- A perceived inequality within the couple. The “Deal” the couple made at the beginning of the relationship no longer makes sense. The circumstances or the individuals have changed and evolved. However, the dynamic has not caught up. The Deal needs to be renegotiated.
- Domestic responsibilities in the couple need to change. Some couples find that when their children leave home as a couple they are stuck in their ways in terms of who does what around the house. This can be the cause of resentment and a perceived lack of appreciation.
- There is resentment about lost opportunities. Perhaps only one person in the couple returned to the workplace after having children, and the other feels they are missing out on their potential.
- A source of resentment I hear really often is one or the other or both in the couple never feel seen or heard.
- Similarly, feeling disrespected can cause a big build-up of resentment.
- Sometimes an individual’s actions are always seen as having bad intentions, causing one to feel misunderstood and resentful.
- In addition to not feeling seen or heard, someone could feel that their partner never even considers them.
- In a hectic work or family life, often there seems to be no space for the couple relationship – quality time together without other responsibilities. This is a major cause of resentment and ever-increasing distance.
There are many more reasons that could add to the pile. Both people in the couple can harbour these feelings – yet, it’s probably never discussed openly until they are near the breaking point and in my therapy room.
How does resentment present in neurodiverse couples?
The building blocks of resentment can vary for a couple where neurodivergence is present. Some of the more common themes are:
- Inconsistency. This can be incredibly destabilising. Promises are made and forgotten, not necessarily maliciously – this can lead to a feeling of those promises being empty. Not only can this result in resentment but also a loss of trust and faith.
- An inequality of load. One person can feel like if they don’t do something, it simply won’t get done. This often leads the person to feel unappreciated and resentful.
- Often, the neurotypical party can never feel like their own needs cannot be stated. When trying to provide support and be understanding, it’s easy for one’s own needs to fall by the wayside.
- Couples with ND present can often feel like they are stuck in a cycle of unresolved arguments. These repeat endlessly and nothing changes, resulting in a tired dynamic with bunched-up resentment in need of unravelling.
- Differences between the neurodivergent and neurotypical partner are glaring when couples fall into money issues – this feeds into a lack of impulse control, dopamine chasing or problems with budgeting effectively, a symptom of ADHD.
How can I address resentment with my partner?
Couples often seek help to mend their fractured relationships, burdened by a heavy weight of accumulated resentment. This baggage, often rooted in undiagnosed neurodiversity or intergenerational trauma, can significantly strain partnerships. The question remains: how do we lighten this backpack of accumulative resentment? I was asked this very question at one of my couples workshops recently. I explained that while it’s not complicated, it takes a conscious commitment.
A good place to start
A crucial step in this process is identifying and acknowledging the underlying themes that fuel resentment. Each partner should write a personal account, highlighting the specific experiences that have caused emotional pain. These insights provide a foundation for open and honest communication during subsequent couple sessions.
Schedule time
To facilitate productive dialogue, couples should schedule uninterrupted meetings.
- Allow ample time for each person to express their feelings without interruption.
- Meetings should be a maximum of 45 minutes.
- Having a time limit helps it to be productive and not spiral into an argument that could either last for hours or end the conversation.
How to rephrase statements
It’s counterproductive to dwell on specific instances of wrongdoing. Dwelling on previous problems can evoke feelings of shame and frustration in your partner. This can lead to defensiveness and further conflict.
It is better to focus on how a behaviour makes you feel.
For example, instead of saying:
“You always ignore me when I’m talking,”
Try:
“I feel unheard when you’re constantly checking your phone.”
This approach allows your partner to understand your perspective without feeling attacked or criticised.
Equal time
To facilitate open communication, each partner should have ten minutes to express their feelings without interruption. Afterwards, each partner should acknowledge their partner’s emotions without defensiveness. It’s important to remember that most people don’t intentionally hurt their loved ones. Resentment often accumulates over time due to unresolved conflicts, lack of communication, and the pressures of daily life.
Active listening
By actively listening and acknowledging their partner’s emotions without defensiveness, couples can create a safe space for healing. It’s important to remember that most people do not intentionally hurt their loved ones.
Resentment often accumulates over time due to neglect, miscommunication, and the pressures of daily life. Rephrasing statements to focus on your feelings avoids pointing the finger or assuming your partner had bad intentions.
Monitor your progress in your meetings
Following these sessions,
- Couples should take time to reflect on their experiences
- Consider potential behavioural changes.
- The goal is not to dwell on the past but to create new patterns of interaction.
By consistently prioritising their partner’s needs and demonstrating a willingness to change, couples can gradually lighten the backpack of resentment and rebuild trust.
While this process doesn’t happen overnight, it is a tangible path to healing. By investing time and effort into understanding and addressing their emotional baggage, couples can foster a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. That backpack will lighten and one day, you’ll realise it’s disappeared.
