Reconciling a broken relationship
“I think we need to take a break.” I wouldn’t blame you if reading those words caused a visceral reaction of dread. After all, on the surface, it looks like both a harbinger of doom and a pit of uncertainty. Does this mean a break-up? Are they just paving a softer ground for a break-up? Will they be seeing other people? These are just a few of the questions that are bound to fly through your mind at the prospect of a break.
Acknowledging the need for a break from the couple relationship is facing up to the fact that something is inherently broken. That doesn’t mean broken forever. But this confusing relationship state needs clear communication to be resolved. This approach respects both parties’ needs for space to reflect, rather than that time being consumed by (perfectly natural) anxiety.
Can a break-up be a path to healing?
So, the break is in motion. Now what? For many, the ultimate hope is that a period of separation will, eventually, lead back to each other.
This is often when natural anxieties kick in – what if my partner realises they are better off? What if they don’t miss me at all? It’s important to acknowledge that if you have called for a breather, a good outcome is perfectly possible. Fearing that you will lose the other person speaks volumes about how much you care about them. Ruminate on that too much, though, and your break will trigger a spiral rather than sincere reflection on yourself and your relationship.
If you’ve mutually agreed on the break, it is crucial to establish some parameters. This ensures you are on the same page and respect each other’s feelings and time. Discuss the following:
- Defining clear boundaries and expectations. How much time are you allowing yourselves? This is all relative to the couple. It could be a fortnight, it could be a month, it could be three months – the important part is agreeing between yourselves to set expectations. This doesn’t mean you are giving yourself a time limit before you either break up or get back together – it is just saying, “we need this time, this is how much time would be effective and respectful, and afterwards, we can come back together and revisit the conversation.”
- Discussing exclusivity. I’m sure I’m not the only one for whom the “we were on a break!” debacle on Friends came to mind. Some people might define a break differently, so it’s important to set boundaries around seeing other people.
- Establishing appropriate contact during the break. This is where boundaries can frequently be crossed. You may have set expectations that you can text each other about something important and practical, only for one person to try to turn that into a conversation. If you are in crisis and really need space, then that likely extends to other forms of communication like texting. Make sure you set those rules clearly for both of you so that you don’t have to reiterate them.
- Navigating continued contact and support when children are involved. Make sure you put your coparenting first and don’t cause the children distress over your break. This is likely very confusing for them, so remain on the same team where this is concerned, especially during this time.
Breaks can be really positive for mental decompression and can lead to a reunion and version 2.0 of your couple, but only with clear boundaries and expectations.
Reconciliation as a shared path
It’s natural, after enduring the unsettling experience of a break, to yearn for what you had before – to hope that the time apart will magically mend everything and lead you right back together. And for most couples, that desire for reconciliation is precisely what drives them through the uncertainty. The longing to reunite often stems from a deep, abiding love and the belief that what you once had is worth fighting for.
However, true reconciliation isn’t just about wishing for things to go back to “normal.” It’s about acknowledging that both partners played a role in the relationship’s breakdown. It’s time to look at both sides of the coin. Understand that the cracks didn’t appear unilaterally. This means honestly examining the communication issues that became tangled, the moments of disconnection that pulled you apart, and the overall dissonance that led to the need for a break in the first place.
This crucial introspection – a willingness to look inward and take accountability for your part – is the bedrock upon which a stronger, more resilient partnership can be built. Reconciliation is about more than getting back together; it’s about rebuilding with mutual understanding and shared responsibility.
Confronting the pain to build a stronger foundation
It’s one thing to acknowledge hurt, but quite another to truly face it, especially alongside the person who caused some of that pain. Yet, this is precisely where healing starts.
Facing hurt head-On
Confronting the hurt, disappointment, and resentment you’ve both felt, in a safe space together, is powerful. This honest confrontation can lead to a true “reset.”
The challenge of vulnerability
Sharing your vulnerabilities can be incredibly difficult, especially when both partners have built up walls of defense. It takes practice, caution, and grace to foster truly honest communication, but it’s essential for a renewed relationship.
Making space for growth in your relationship
A break can offer perspective, but true, lasting growth often requires a dedicated space for exploration. That’s the power of couples therapy.
The purpose of couples therapy
Couple work offers a dedicated space for:
- Exploration. Delving into vulnerabilities and disappointments that may have been hidden.
- Resolution. Finally settling long-held resentments that have been festering.
- Reset. Creating an environment for a fresh start and growth, truly building something new.
Growth individually and as a couple
This process allows both partners to grow individually, understanding their own needs and patterns. It also facilitates significant growth and positive change within the couple dynamic itself. Remember, couple work isn’t about going back to what was, but building something new and stronger, together.
A new understanding in your couple version 2.0
After navigating the complexities of a break and the hard work of introspection, couples frequently discover a clarity they never had before.
Gaining clarity
Often, couples emerge from this journey with a deeper understanding of the underlying issues that initially brought them to seek help. They see the roots of their struggles with a newfound perspective.
A shared creation
The therapeutic journey itself is a collaborative effort, a shared creation between partners and with the guidance of a professional. The ultimate goal is to reunite a couple, not as they were before, but in a fundamentally new and improved way. It’s about reimagining your partnership, not simply returning to a broken past.
Ready to explore how couple work might help you and your partner find your “couple 2.0”? Explore our specialist couple therapy and coaching services.
