Do you know how to apologise?
Do you know how to apologise? Why ‘sorry’ is the cornerstone of a strong relationship
The exasperated sigh of a partner who feels perpetually unheard or unseen. The exhaustion is palpable in this familiar sound in many households. “They never apologise,” the complaint goes. But why is saying sorry so difficult for some people?
Why do some people seem incapable of apologising?
To some people, it seems like the easiest thing in the world to simply say sorry, yet trying to get that apology out of the other person is like “pulling teeth”, or a difficult, tiring and painful task. What makes it so hard?
The answer lies in a complex interaction between vulnerability and the fear of rejection. An apology can feel like a harsh spotlight on our mistakes, exposing our imperfections in a way that makes us deeply uncomfortable. What if the apology isn’t accepted? For the anxious or insecure, this fear can be paralysing. This leads them to build walls of defensiveness instead of bridges of understanding.
Apologies can also be perceived as a surrender, a lowering of one’s position in the relationship. This can be particularly difficult for those who derive self-worth from being seen as strong, right, or in control. Taking ownership of a mistake can therefore feel daunting. It can be easier to deflect blame, minimise the situation, or even rewrite history altogether than to face the consequences of our actions.
Why are apologies so important?
Apologies aren’t about self-flagellation; they’re about acknowledging the impact of our actions on others. As couples therapist Esther Perel states, “Apologising is central to everything we hold dear.” It’s the cornerstone of healthy relationships, fostering a sense of safety and respect.
A sincere apology communicates a multitude of messages. It says, “I see you. I hear you. I care about your feelings.” It acknowledges that our actions, even if unintended, can cause hurt and disappointment. It demonstrates a desire to repair the damage and ensure the relationship’s wellbeing. It demonstrates a knowledge that the relationship is highly valuable.
Perhaps most importantly, an apology signifies a willingness to be vulnerable with our partner. When two people can share their vulnerabilities, a deep sense of trust and connection is established. The relationship becomes a safe haven, a place where both partners are accepted “warts and all,” or mistakes and all.
What if I find verbal apologies too difficult?
But what if the words get stuck in our throats? Thankfully, apologies can be expressed in countless ways. It could be a gesture. Maybe a simple flower left on the bedside table speaks volumes, or a funny sketch left by the kettle offers a lighter touch. Even an emoji can bridge the gap if its meaning is understood by both partners.
The key is to find a way that resonates with your partner, a clear message that conveys your regret and desire to make amends. It’s vital that it’s communicated between the couple beforehand that the gesture is a symbol of an apology. Otherwise, it could be seen as a way to brush the wrongdoing under the rug, to gloss over it with a grand gesture instead of doing the vulnerable work of acknowledging it properly.
Openly discussing what constitutes an apology in your relationship can be a powerful bonding experience. It fosters communication, strengthens security, and lays the groundwork for a loving and resilient partnership. So if an apology feels daunting, remember it’s not about diminishing yourself. It’s about strengthening the connection you share. Because in the end, love thrives on vulnerability, understanding, and the simple power of saying “sorry.”
What’s the anatomy of a good apology?
Your apology should contain the following elements:
- Own your actions. Accountability is everything. An apology doesn’t mean much if you don’t show that you know what happened that caused the upset. Say this in your own words, not just mirroring what they may have said to you. Show that you’ve thought about it independently and put yourself in their shoes.
- Express remorse. Show your partner that you’re not just apologising to remove the tension and discomfort. Showing genuine remorse adds weight to the apology and makes it more meaningful.
- Offer to make amends. How can you make this up to your partner? If you had to cancel on an exciting plan, for example, show initiative and suggest a specific plan to make up for it. Take the lead on it.
- Seek forgiveness. Express your desire to move past this together.
Apology and accountability
A vocal or symbolic apology doesn’t mean much without accountability, and conversely, accountability doesn’t mean much without an apology. They are totally dependent on each other. Think about it. If you say sorry without saying what you’ve done wrong, your partner will think you don’t understand and you just want to move on. If you acknowledge you know what you’ve done and then don’t apologise, you’re implying that you don’t think it was wrong.
Take this comedic example from the TV sitcom SEINFELD:
Hanke: “George. Thanks for coming down to talk to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren’t very flexible. I just started yesterday.”
George: “Well, I’m here. What is it?”
Hanke: “Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I’ve thought it over, and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve much better.”
George, ready to leave: “Well, thank you.”
Hanke: “You’re welcome.”
George: “Uh, excuse me, uh, um, I don’t want to get into a big thing here, but… I’m not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology.”
Hanke: “What? George, what are you talking about?”
George: “Well, it’s just, all you said was ‘your welcome’, which is nice. It’s very nice. But… I feel I gotta get the apology.”
Hanke: George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I admitted I was wrong, so what more do you want from me?”
George: “I would like an apology.”
This is the perfect illustration of how you can’t have one without the other. In this context, the wrongdoer has apologised previously, but sarcastically. This shows that intent is everything, as well as actually believing you’ve done something wrong. Later, he admits that this in itself was wrong, but doesn’t explicitly apologise for it.
What if this issue is always present in my relationship?
If one party consistently struggles to apologise and take accountability for their actions, this can put a couple in a rut that’s difficult to shift. Couples therapy can really help. You can gain an insight into your personal couple patterns and where these core beliefs stem from.
Paired with coaching, it can help you break out of these patterns and make tangible changes in the future.
That’s where I come in. I provide a safe space for couples to learn how to embrace their differences, communicate and repair their relationship.
Using my innovative coaching model that integrates the psychodynamic with behavioural techniques, we work together to navigate the issues, restore communication and begin to rebuild trust.
