How couples move from crisis to growth
Crisis rarely arrives in the dramatic, cinematic way people imagine. More often it creeps in quietly. I meet couples every week who insist they “didn’t see it happening,” yet somewhere between school runs, deadlines, overwhelm, grief and everyday life, they stopped speaking to each other in any meaningful way. They’ve hit a wall.
The crisis feels sudden, but the roots run much deeper. My work begins with slowing everything down just long enough for both partners to see what has actually been happening between them. Once that space is created, honesty and repair become possible again.
How couples reach a crisis point
For many, the crisis builds slowly. The couple can still run a household together and keep the practical plates spinning, but the emotional connection has drained away. Every comment feels sharper than it should. Irritation becomes the background noise of the home. What causes it is usually a mix of unheard personal struggles, endless responsibility, hidden resentment, exhaustion, or the sense of “carrying everything” alone.
This is especially common in neurodivergent households. When one or both partners are ND, emotional bandwidth is often already thin. Sensory strain, chronic fatigue, difficulty switching tasks, spiralling thoughts or rejection-sensitive panic can drain the system before a relationship difficulty even occurs. Over generations, ND traits were misunderstood, dismissed or masked, which means many adults come into relationships without any shared language for their needs. The pressure builds until something snaps.
Other couples arrive in crisis suddenly. A discovery. A shock. An affair. A breach of trust. A hidden financial issue. A job loss that shakes the foundations of the family. These moments destabilise everything at once. Friends and family often get involved, usually with the best intentions, but loyalties distort the picture. What the couple actually needs is a neutral space.
A compelling body of research comes from the Gottman Institute, which identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. Once contempt enters a relationship, both partners feel fundamentally unsafe. Restoring safety becomes the first priority.
Containment is the first stage of repair
Before any solutions or strategies are introduced, my first task is containment. When a relationship is at crisis pitch, neither partner can truly hear the other. They are in survival mode. Containment means creating a calm, structured environment where both voices can be heard without interruption, defensiveness or attack.
Some couples have not had a fair or safe conversation in years. When they find that the room stays steady, their breathing changes. Their bodies soften. They trust that they can speak without being punished for it. Containment is often the turning point between walking away and cautiously staying.
Restoring communication at home
Once the storm has settled, the next stage is teaching the couple how to communicate outside the therapy room without spiralling back into conflict. There are three core skills here: timing, tone and regulation.
Timing means choosing the right moment instead of trying to “sort it out now” when both are already overwhelmed. Tone means learning to speak with curiosity instead of accusation. Regulation means pausing when emotions rise too quickly and bringing the difficult topic into therapy rather than forcing a breakthrough during a fight.
Silence can feel frightening for couples who are used to arguing. It feels like withdrawal or punishment. But tolerating some quiet space is often necessary so the relationship can shift out of survival and into repair.
The deep work begins
Once a couple feels contained and has practical tools to stop hurting each other between sessions, the real work begins. This part can be difficult, but it is the most transformative. We explore the old hurts, the misunderstandings, the losses that were never grieved, and the emotional needs that were never spoken aloud.
I’m currently making progress with a couple that have had trouble communicating for years. Undiagnosed ND, three children, very demanding jobs and a complete communication breakdown was their point of couple crisis. We’re addressing that by addressing what’s caused this atmosphere of mistrust and withdrawal and breaking the cycle so they can both hear each other again.
The goal in this stage is not to blame. It is to gain clarity. Couples cannot rebuild on top of confusion and old wounds. They have to understand the landscape of their relationship as it truly is.
What about when there is neurodiversity in the couple?
Neurodiversity rather than being a small footnote in couples work, can often be the invisible architecture of the crisis itself.
NDs often experience higher baseline emotional activation. A recent study from the NIH describes this as “chronic emotional load” that affects communication and conflict patterns in intimate relationships (National Library of Medicine). Sensory overwhelm, burnout cycles, difficulty shifting tasks, and differences in emotional expression can all be misread by a neurotypical partner. Shutdowns are often interpreted as stonewalling. Impulsivity is misread as carelessness. Masking is interpreted as emotional distance.
Without an ND-affirmative model, couples therapy can unintentionally pathologise ND traits rather than understanding them. That is why my work focuses on structure, pacing, sensory-aware communication and emotional regulation skills that actually match the couple’s neurology.
Negotiating the Couple Deal
When the deeper work is complete, we move into rebuilding. This is where the couple creates what I call the “Couple Deal”. It is a shared understanding of how the relationship will work going forward.
A Couple Deal solidifies the big things such as, what your shared vision is for your relationship. Then looks at how you do your day to day. How you communicate, a plan for managing future ruptures, scheduled check-ins, shared systems for running the household, and clear channels for emotional needs. The goal is to prevent the couple from slipping back into old patterns by accident.
Trust does not return in one moment. It returns through small, daily micro-behaviours. A change in tone of voice. A softened response. A moment of accountability. A pause instead of a reaction. These are the moments that slowly replace those resentful communications, heal the nervous system and help both partners feel safe again.
What good couples therapy and coaching looks like
When couples work is ND-affirmative, structured and compassionate, it becomes a place where both partners can finally breathe. Sessions are calm, predictable and grounded. Emotional expression is allowed in its real form, not squeezed into a neurotypical template. Silence is permitted, big feelings are permitted, and shutdown is understood rather than punished. The sensory environment is considered. The pace is adjusted. The work becomes honest, human and possible.
Above all, the relationship stops being a battleground and becomes a place where partners can recognise each other again.
Do you recognise yourself in this?
Reaching crisis does not mean the relationship is broken. It usually means both partners have been carrying too much alone. If you recognise yourself in any of this, you are not failing. You are exhausted. And you deserve support that understands how your brain works, how your partner’s brain works and how the two of you can build something steadier together.
This is the work I do every day. If your relationship feels like it is hitting a wall, there is a path forward that is calmer, clearer and genuinely hopeful.
