How do you get over infidelity?
How do you get over infidelity?
You never thought it would happen to you, did you? You built a life together, shared dreams, weathered storms. But now, infidelity casts a heavy, dark shadow over your relationship. Can you ever truly recover? Can the trust be rebuilt?
The answer, while daunting, is yes. Even if it’s hard to believe in the immediate aftermath. But it takes immense dedication, brutal honesty, and a willingness to confront the raw pain head-on. That takes a lot of grit.
Let’s dive into the complexities of affair recovery, giving you insights and strategies for navigating this difficult terrain.
Beyond physical boundaries: defining infidelity
Infidelity isn’t just about physical intimacy. If not transparent, emotional connections formed outside the relationship can be equally damaging. Many people say, “it’s the lie that hurts the most”.
With my clients, I talk a lot about negotiating a “new deal” with each other. Every relationship has its own contract, in or outside of marriage, and the key is to be clear about it. For example, is an affair a dealbreaker?
Infidelity is a complex betrayal, and its definition can vary greatly depending on the couple’s established boundaries and individual traumas. While physical intimacy outside the relationship is a clear transgression, the emotional realm presents a more nuanced challenge.
Here’s how infidelity can manifest beyond the physical:
- Emotional intimacy. Developing a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, even without physical contact, can be a form of infidelity. This emotional intimacy, sometimes called “emotional cheating” can involve: sharing secrets, confiding vulnerabilities, or seeking emotional support that should ideally be found within the primary relationship. This can be especially hurtful when one feels they have made an effort to be a safe space and a confidante for their partner.
- Blurred lines. In today’s digital age, boundaries can become blurred. Excessive attention or flirtation online with someone else can be perceived as infidelity by a partner. This could include anything from lingering on someone’s social media profiles to engaging in emotionally charged online exchanges.
- Secrecy and deception. Perhaps the most damaging aspect of infidelity is the secrecy and deception involved. Withholding information about close friendships, hiding phone conversations, or deleting messages creates a sense of betrayal and undermines trust. This is hurtful regardless of the physical nature of the relationship with the other person.
- Individual perceptions. Ultimately, what constitutes infidelity is a matter of open communication and shared expectations within the couple. Some couples might be comfortable with close friendships, while others might value stricter boundaries. Defining these boundaries and communicating them openly is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- The relationship environment. Infidelity can also be a symptom of deeper issues within the relationship. A lack of emotional connection, unresolved conflicts, or a decline in intimacy can create an environment where someone seeks fulfilment outside the relationship.
Ideally, open communication and a sense of being heard and valued within the couple minimises the risk of seeking fulfilment elsewhere.
The aftermath of an affair: picking up the pieces
The discovery of an affair throws a relationship into a tailspin. Confusion, anger, and a deep sense of betrayal are all perfectly normal reactions. Here are some crucial questions to consider as you navigate this initial storm:
- Reconciliation or separation? Do both of you genuinely want to try and salvage the relationship, or has the trust been irreparably broken?
- Is the affair truly over? Ending all contact with the third party is essential for healing to begin.
- Rebuilding trust. This is a fragile process. Shame and confusion often lead to dishonesty which hinders progress. I can provide a safe space for open communication and exploration of the possibility of repair.
Beyond the affair: what’s at the root of all this?
Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. They often arise from vulnerabilities in the relationship. Cracks that have been growing wider over time.
My couples therapy and coaching can shed light on:
- The two W’s of your disconnect. When and why? When did communication break down? What led to the emotional distance that allowed the affair to take root?
- Unconscious blocks. Communication breakdowns might stem from deeper issues requiring exploration.
Healing from betrayal: rebuilding your shared trust
The pain of betrayal can be immense. Here are some strategies to manage it in a way that fosters healing.
Structured truth-telling
Set scheduled times to address questions about the affair. This eliminates constant reliving and allows for controlled processing of emotions.
For example, three times a week, the injured spouse has half an hour to drill their partner. This should be scheduled in properly.. This time can be comparable to the CBT strategy of designating “worry time” — setting a time and space aside to address concerns makes it less intrusive during the day. Equally, scheduling time to address the issue prevents using the coping mechanism of brushing the affair under the rug. Allowing time and space for it allows both parties to experience and manage the whole spectrum of emotions that have accompanied the affair.
Transparency with boundaries
Agree on phone and email access protocols – e.g., designated check-in times or shared passwords for a limited period.
Phone transparency can be a real challenge when recovering from an affair because it can feel shameful for there to be a need for it. Often, the injured spouse will want to constantly check their partner’s phone. Unfortunately, this adds an element of surveillance and paranoia to the relationship, as well as the despair that there could be anything to find. So it doesn’t serve either party. By applying some form of strategy and regulation during rebuilding, you can prevent this spiral from happening and allow space for trust to grow again.
Maintaining communication when apart
Simple acts of reassurance, like check-in calls or texts, go a long way in rebuilding trust.
Physical separation during the recovery process can be a double-edged sword. While some space can be beneficial for reflection and individual healing, it can also trigger anxieties and insecurities for the hurt partner.
A simple “thinking of you” text or a quick call to share a funny anecdote can go a long way in demonstrating ongoing commitment and care.
While reassurance is important, though, it shouldn’t morph into constant demands or excessive monitoring. Respect the partner’s need for independent space while still demonstrating your commitment to the relationship.
The goal is to rebuild trust, not inflict further pain. Constant lectures or restrictions on the partner’s freedom will only breed resentment and hinder progress. Instead of focusing on potential transgressions, shift the focus to rebuilding a sense of security. This allows the partner who had the affair to demonstrate their commitment to earning back trust through open communication and responsible behaviour.
Over time, as trust rebuilds, the frequency and intensity of check-ins can naturally decrease. The goal is to move towards a place of mutual trust and secure attachment, where constant reassurance becomes less necessary.
Shared responsibility: acknowledging the cracks
The injured partner may benefit from acknowledging their role in the emotional disconnect. Did unspoken frustrations or a lack of intimacy create space for someone else? Both parties need to understand how communication difficulties contributed to the situation.
The road to recovery: time and commitment
Recovering from an affair is a long and arduous journey, not a quick fix. It can take 1-2 years for a sense of security and trust to re-emerge. If both partners are committed to honest communication, transparency, and a willingness to address the underlying issues, you can emerge stronger. You’ll be more resilient and more deeply connected than ever before.
Ready to start your road to recovery? I provide a safe space for couples to embrace each other’s differences, improve communication and repair their relationship.