The impact of an outdated education system
When couples walk into my office, I often see the ripple effects of a system that, frankly, hasn’t caught up with the reality of neurodiversity. We’re still grappling with the Victorian legacy, a rigid structure that prioritises conformity over individuality. It’s not just about academics. It’s about the very fabric of how individuals perceive themselves and their relationships.
Many of my clients, often undiagnosed until adulthood, carry the scars of an education system that labeled them as ‘difficult,’ ‘lazy,’ or ‘unmotivated.’ They come to me with years of internalised shame, a deep-seated belief that they are fundamentally flawed. They’ve been told, implicitly or explicitly, that their brains don’t work ‘correctly,’ leading to significant relational challenges.
A rigid educational framework
The persistent debate surrounding neurodiversity (ND) often hinges on a critical question. Is it an inherent disability, or is it a sign of a profound mismatch between individuals and the systems they have to navigate?
This question becomes particularly urgent when we examine our education system. It’s a structure that, despite some modernisation, remains deeply rooted in the ideals and methodologies of the Victorian era. While society has undergone a seismic shift, propelled by technological advancement and the rise of artificial intelligence, our schools continue to operate within a framework designed for a world that no longer exists.
Rigidity in psychotherapy
This observation is not merely an academic exercise. It has real-world implications I see first-hand in my work. It’s the long-term impact of rigid educational or therapeutic approaches. Yes, it’s not just school that can scar – my clients have often felt alienated in the very process of getting therapy in adulthood.
The burgeoning field of ND-affirming coaching, for example, reflects a growing dissatisfaction with traditional therapeutic models that often fail to grasp the unique challenges and strengths of neurodiverse individuals. Many seek out these specialised coaches, driven by past experiences. These are instances when therapists, lacking an inclusive understanding, pathologised people’s differences rather than affirming them.
However, the largely unregulated nature of the coaching industry necessitates a cautious approach. It is crucial to remember that genuine support, whether in therapy or coaching, should involve a delicate balance of validation and challenge, encouraging self-reflection and accountability alongside self-compassion. Our neurodivergent relationship clinic provides a safe environment for couples to do this work and thrive, with a tailored psychotherapeutic and ND-inclusive lens.
The knock-on effect on relationships
When a client’s education or previous therapeutic experiences have led to them going undiagnosed and misunderstood for years, it can have a profound impact on their relationships:
- I see partners struggling with communication breakdowns, often stemming from differing processing styles. One partner might be highly sensitive to sensory input, leading to overwhelm, while the other struggles to understand this experience.There’s often a history of misinterpretations, where neurotypical partners perceive neurodivergent traits as intentional acts of defiance or lack of care.
- This leads to cycles of conflict and resentment.
Executive function differences, particularly in time management and organisation, can create significant friction. One partner might feel constantly let down, while the other feels perpetually criticised. - Many of my clients experience heightened emotional reactivity, a consequence of years of being misunderstood and invalidated. This can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even trauma responses within the relationship. To overcome this, they must take ownership of their self-regulation.
- The constant masking, the effort to appear ‘normal,’ takes a tremendous toll, leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion. This exhaustion can spill over into their relationships, making it difficult to maintain intimacy and connection.
- The deficit-based model of education has left many neurodivergent adults with a profound sense of inadequacy. They struggle with self-esteem.
The list goes on and on. My work, therefore, is not just about addressing the immediate relationship challenges but also about helping individuals reframe their narratives. It’s about dismantling the internalised messages of inadequacy and fostering a sense of self-compassion. It’s about helping couples understand and appreciate the unique strengths each partner brings to the relationship. This way, they can truly work as a team.
Looking to the future
The current British education system, with its emphasis on standardised testing, rigid curriculum structures, and a one-size-fits-all approach to learning, often puts ND individuals in a negative light based on perceived deficits in executive functions. This is particularly in core subjects like mathematics and English. Yet, in an era where technology can readily compensate for these perceived shortcomings, this label becomes increasingly problematic.
ND individuals often possess exceptional cognitive strengths, including heightened creativity, the ability to synthesise disparate information, and a capacity for innovative thinking – qualities that are not only valuable but essential in today’s rapidly evolving world.
The problem, therefore, is not with the individuals, but with the system itself. The Victorian model, with its emphasis on rote learning, conformity, and the production of compliant workers, is fundamentally ill-equipped to meet the diverse needs of a modern student population. We must challenge the deeply ingrained notion that ND individuals are inherently flawed and instead recognise that our educational framework is the primary obstacle to their success. This requires a radical paradigm shift. A move away from a deficit-based model towards a strengths-based approach that celebrates neurodiversity and empowers individuals to thrive.
We need a paradigm shift, not just in education, but in how we approach neurodiversity in all aspects of life. It’s about creating a world where differences are not just tolerated but celebrated, where neurodivergent individuals can thrive, and where relationships can flourish.
