The importance of boundaries in your relationship

Key points: 

• Negotiating “the deal” for key pragmatic parts of your relationship sets you up for long-term success.
• Boundaries should be allowed to evolve and be revisited to see how well they’re working. 
• Balancing your individuality with being part of your relationship unit is key to a lasting relationship. 
• Setting boundaries and doing regular check-ins with your partner foster mutual understanding.

I see a lot of genuine love and care between couples in my therapy room. The starry-eyed passion is there, the desire to build a life together. But it’s the work that couples put in, the sometimes uncomfortable conversations and honest self-reflection, that turns that passion into a lasting and fulfilling relationship. One of the key ingredients in lasting relationships is healthy boundaries.

While the word ‘boundaries’ might conjure up images of restriction or coldness, healthy boundaries are actually guidelines that create a foundation for a strong and happy partnership. They allow each partner to feel secure in the relationship while also having the space to grow as individuals. This is called the ‘dependency paradox’, and is the ideal balance to strike in your relationship. Read more about this balancing act in my article ‘Reigniting passion in your relationship’. 

The deal: setting boundary expectations 

The beginning of a relationship journey is a pivotal time, and what I call “the deal” becomes crucial. These aren’t just casual conversations; they’re open and honest discussions about the big issues that can make or break a relationship down the line. Finances, careers, and parenting styles are all on the table:

• Finances. Is there a shared financial plan, or will you keep separate accounts? How will you handle debt or large purchases?
• Careers. Will one partner take a backseat if children arrive, or will you strive for a balanced partnership?
• Parenting styles. How will you handle discipline, education, and childcare?

Talking about these topics upfront fosters mutual understanding and prevents future conflict. It allows the couple to identify potential areas of incompatibility and navigate them proactively, rather than facing them reactively in the heat of the moment. 

It also challenges many values we take for granted. Take marriage vows, for example. “In sickness and in health”. What does that mean to each of you? “I promise to be true to you”. Is infidelity a deal breaker in your relationship? These discussions open a door for mutual understanding. 

If you’ve already been together a long time but you’re considering couples therapy, these can be key issues to set the “new deal” in your relationship. Sometimes it’s the pragmatic decisions, not the core affection and passion, that breaks a couple – by tackling them head-on, you foster the feeling of being on the same team. 

Recalibrating to allow your boundaries to evolve

Naturally, people grow and change. Your relationship should, too. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that love conquers all and that the initial conversations you had as a young couple will suffice forever. Yearly couple’s retreats can be a great way to celebrate your wins as a team and re-evaluate your aspirations, hopes, and even sources of drama. 

These retreats don’t have to be extravagant getaways. Even a quiet weekend away from the daily grind can create space for meaningful conversations. Use this time to learn from past experiences and adjust your boundaries for the year ahead:

• Review past boundaries. Did a particular boundary serve you well? Were there any that created unnecessary tension?
• Re-evaluate needs and goals. Have your aspirations or needs changed?
• Adjust boundaries as needed. Openly discuss these questions and make adjustments. Although they should be firm, they shouldn’t be set in stone – they’re a continual collaboration.

 

Maintaining individuality in your relationship

Earlier, I touched on the ‘dependency paradox’, a key tool for therapeutic success. Many couples mistakenly believe that shared love eliminates the need for personal space and interests. This couldn’t be further from the truth. 

In fact, neglecting your individuality can breed resentment and stifle your personal growth. Healthy boundaries allow each partner to pursue hobbies, see friends independently, and have downtime for self-care. It’s not about neglecting the relationship. It’s about fostering individual growth that enriches the partnership.

Here’s how I described it in the article ‘Reigniting passion’:

“Think of yourselves like two trees – you need your own roots to grow strong and provide shade and support for each other.”

Good communication underpins healthy boundaries 

Communication is a perennial issue that impacts every couple I work with. Negotiating change and expressing needs can be scary. Thoughts like, “Will she love me if I want some me-time?” or, “Ugh, another night out with the lads?” can cloud our judgement and make communication difficult. 

Effective communication is key to establishing healthy boundaries.  Couples often fall into the trap of assuming their partner is psychic and understands their complex emotional landscape instinctively, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

This can be especially problematic if the couple has experienced merging early on. This is a feature of ADHD in relationships and is the result of ‘limerence’: find out what it is and how it may impact you by downloading my free guide to limerence in relationships. 

Learning to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and needs is essential for establishing healthy boundaries. This involves using “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame on your partner. 

For example, instead of saying, “You never want to spend time with me,” try, “I feel a little neglected when we don’t have quality time together.”

Developing understanding of each other

Healthy boundaries create a safe space within the relationship, a place where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves openly and honestly. Understanding your partner’s vulnerabilities, needs, and communication style is crucial. 

Perhaps your partner grew up in a household with little communication, and expressing their needs feels awkward. Maybe they have low self-esteem which makes it difficult for them to assert themselves, and speak for what they want and need. By being patient and understanding, you can create a safe space where they feel comfortable opening up.  

Most couples yearn for a supportive partnership that allows them to flourish as individuals. Learning to navigate this balance requires intention and effort.

Prioritising connection with check-ins

Regular communication is vital to maintaining healthy boundaries and a strong relationship. Set aside a dedicated time each week to discuss your “couple/family PLC” – that’s your Partnership Life Committee! This isn’t just about chores and errands (although those are important too). It’s a chance to check in with each other on a deeper level. 

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• What are your wins this week? Celebrate each other’s successes, big or small.
• What are your challenges this week? Be a listening ear and offer support without judgement.
• Do you feel like your boundaries are being respected? If not, discuss what adjustments need to be made.
• Is there anything you need from each other this week? Maybe it’s more quality time, help with a project or just a listening ear. Understanding love languages can help.

By scheduling this dedicated time, you ensure that important conversations don’t get squeezed out by the busyness of life. It’s a chance to reconnect, address any issues that might be brewing, and keep your relationship moving forward on a healthy path.

Healthy boundaries aren’t about building walls. They’re about creating a safe and supportive space where love can flourish.  By openly communicating your needs, respecting each other’s individuality, and adapting as life changes, you can build a strong and lasting relationship.