“When is enough enough?”: navigating neurodivergent relationships
I was recently asked a heart-wrenching question by a client: “When is enough enough?” Such a simple question, with so much conflict and emotional weight within. The seemingly simple question is far from easy to answer.
When we speak of neurodivergent relationships, we’re acknowledging partnerships where one or both individuals experience neurological differences, such as autism, ADHD, or other neurodivergent conditions. This creates a unique dynamic, as these differences can significantly impact communication, emotional processing, and how each partner perceives and interacts with the world.
Consequently, neurodivergent relationships often face distinct challenges, including misunderstandings, differing needs for sensory input or routine, and difficulties in navigating social cues. Understanding these unique challenges is the first step toward building stronger, more empathetic connections.
Unfortunately, it complicates things when asking the question, “When is enough enough?” Everyone deserves to have an understanding of how their mind works and be able to sincerely work toward a better relationship. However, we must acknowledge the struggle of the neurotypical partner and their equally valid feelings.
The unseen partner: ND in relationships
Both partners can feel unseen in their relationship where neurodivergence is present. This is especially true when it is undiagnosed. When undiagnosed, neurodivergent symptoms can cause:
- Communication difficulties. If the undiagnosed neurodivergent person cannot understand their own feelings, how can they effectively communicate them to their partner?
- Repetitive, unsolved arguments. A cycle of feeling triggered or emotionally dysregulated without realising what is happening can cause the feeling of going in circles with the same old disagreements.
- Difficulty making and implementing decisions. When this happens, the neurotypical partner can often feel like they are disproportionately carrying the responsibility in the relationship.
- A buildup of resentment and contempt. The more this builds up, the harder it is to unravel. Without an understanding of neurodivergence from both parties, symptoms of these conditions can seem like an unwillingness to change one’s behaviour.
- A “groundhog day” feeling of hopelessness. Groundhog day refers to having the same experience over and over again. Over time, it can contribute to a feeling of being stuck, with things never evolving in the relationship.
The complexity of this experience increases when both partners have different neurodivergent profiles. For example, one partner might have AS and the other partner might have ADHD. Although AuDHD is also a common diagnosis, having both extremes in a relationship can sometimes cause a clash of processing styles – for example, logical VS creative.
It is so important to recognise these differences and accept that they fundamentally cannot change – but there is hope for communicating them more effectively, finding a middle ground, and finding coping mechanisms that work. It doesn’t have to be groundhog day. Neurodivergent relationships can and do thrive.
The path to connection and compromise
With this in mind, there is hope. With the right support, education, and a good dose of understanding, neurodivergent couples can absolutely flourish. Over the past 15 years, I’ve been privileged to witness countless couples harness their differences, forging stronger, more meaningful connections. It’s about recognising those unique strengths each partner brings to the table and finding that sweet spot of compromise.
Perhaps one partner excels at logical problem-solving while the other brings a burst of creative solutions. When they learn to work in tandem, the results can be quite remarkable.
The tipping point: When connection fails
Without wanting to shift to a more pessimistic tone, it’s important to acknowledge the reality of some cases. Sometimes the chasm between partners becomes too wide to bridge. It’s a sad reality, but it happens. The weight of accumulated hurt and resentment, which is so heavy to carry, can become unbearable. The constant feeling of being unheard, unseen, and the loss of that initial spark can leave both partners feeling utterly depleted. They begin to lead parallel lives, existing in the same space but disconnected, like ships passing in the night.
Then comes the agonising decision: is it time to call it quits? Is enough really enough? It’s never a simple choice. There may be children to consider, perhaps religious or cultural obligations, financial worries, and, often, a lingering sense of love. It’s a tangle of emotions. Think of it like the film Sliding Doors (1998); those seemingly insignificant moments, a missed cue, an unacknowledged feeling, can drastically alter the course of a relationship. With neurodivergent couples, the high sensitivity, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), communication hurdles, and the sheer busyness of modern life can amplify these missed moments, creating a slow but steady drift apart.
The emotional toll and search for resolution
Reaching that “enough is enough” point is emotionally devastating. There’s often a deep sadness, a longing for what once was, a desperate hope for reconnection that simply isn’t possible. It’s the realisation that the connection, once so vibrant, has irrevocably faded. It’s a deeply personal decision, one that weighs heavily on the heart. The legacy of hurt, resentment, and disappointment casts a long shadow, making it difficult to find the energy or inclination to try and rebuild.
Addressing the topic of abuse
It’s important to clarify that this discussion focuses on the challenges faced in neurodivergent relationships where there is no abusive behaviour. Abuse, in any form, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional, is never acceptable. If you are experiencing abuse, please seek professional help immediately. It is a serious issue that requires expert intervention.
Neurodivergent individuals may sometimes engage in behaviours that unintentionally cause emotional harm due to difficulties with social cues, emotional regulation, or communication. For example, a blunt or literal communication style might be perceived as hurtful.
However, emotional abuse is characterised by a pattern of intentional behaviours designed to control, manipulate, or degrade another person. The intent to cause harm is a key distinction.
A significant indicator of emotional abuse is a consistent pattern of controlling behaviours. This can include:
- Isolating the partner from friends and family.
- Constant criticism and belittling.
- Gaslighting (making the partner question their own reality).
- Threats and intimidation.
While neurodivergent individuals may have rigid routines or preferences, these should not be confused with attempts to control their partner’s life.
Responsibility and accountability
Even when behaviours are unintentional, individuals need to take responsibility for the impact of their actions. Neurodivergence does not excuse abusive behaviour. If a person’s actions are consistently causing emotional harm, they have a responsibility to seek help and make changes.
The difference is that a person with ND, when they understand that they have caused hurt, will feel remorse and will try to change their behaviour. An abuser will not.
Seeking professional help
If you are unsure whether a behaviour is related to neurodivergence or emotional abuse, or if you are experiencing any form of emotional distress, it is crucial to seek professional help. Therapists and counsellors specialising in neurodiversity and relationship dynamics can provide valuable guidance and support.
It is vital to have support from someone who understands ND. I have specialised in neurodiversity for the past ten years and now offer training and supervision to therapists entering the field. Find out more about my services for neurodivergent couples.
Other resources
If you are concerned about any kind of abuse in your relationship, it’s important to look at vital resources that can educate and embolden you to keep yourself safe. Helpfully, the Women’s Aid website tells you how to cover your tracks online if privacy is a concern.
Other resources include:
- Refuge, for women experiencing domestic abuse
- ManKind, which helps men escape domestic abuse
- Galop, a service for LGBT+ individuals experiencing domestic abuse
Finding support regardless
The bottom line is that whether your relationship is at the breaking point or not, there is support available for you to navigate your way through it with compassion for yourself and your partner. Neurodivergent relationships are undoubtedly complex, requiring patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. But there is hope. For those couples willing to put in the work to learn and grow together, the rewards can be immense. However, we must also acknowledge that sometimes, despite their best efforts, couples reach a point where separation is the most compassionate choice for everyone involved.
Ultimately, it’s about empathy. Understanding that everyone’s experience is unique, that neurodivergence is a spectrum, and that compassion is key. If you’re struggling in a neurodivergent relationship, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Seeking guidance from a professional can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to navigate these complexities and build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
