What a “porn addiction” really represents
Pornography use is often treated as a behavioural problem or “addiction,” but for many neurodivergent (ND) adults, it reflects a deeper set of emotional and sensory needs rather than purely sexual desire. What looks like a porn addiction is often self-soothing for anxiety or overwhelm in a pressure-free setting. How can couples, particularly those with neurodiversity in the mix, address their use of porn?
Porn as a coping mechanism
Allow me to set the scene with a fictional example. Adam sits at his laptop late at night, scrolling through videos, headphones on, the rest of the world shut out. He isn’t feeling particularly sexual – he’s exhausted from masking at work, anxious about tomorrow’s social obligations, and overstimulated from a busy day. The videos give him a predictable, controlled outlet. No reading emotional cues, no pressure to perform and no sudden sensory surprises. For Alex, porn isn’t really about sex. It’s a way to calm the mind and manage overwhelm.
Particularly for ND individuals, pornography can provide a controlled and predictable outlet that helps manage:
- Anxiety, hyper-vigilance, or mental overstimulation.
- The pressure of sexual performance.
- Difficulties reading complex emotional cues.
- Sensory processing challenges.
Rather than functioning as a route to sexual connection, porn is often used to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system. One key aspect of solo sexual activity is that orgasms themselves can be deeply relaxing. Without the need to meet a partner’s expectations or navigate complex emotional dynamics, solo activity allows ND individuals to experience pleasure and release tension without added cognitive load. This can reduce stress, help the nervous system reset and offer a predictable, controlled form of sexual expression.
This is not without its setbacks. Relying heavily on porn or solo sexual activity can encourage withdrawal from partnered intimacy, making it more difficult for NDs to experience pleasure in a relational context. Over time, the predictability and control of solo activity can make the unpredictability of shared sexual experiences feel overwhelming, reinforcing avoidance and reducing opportunities to build emotional and physical connection with a partner.
The emotional connection gap
Sexual intimacy is deeply tied to emotional intimacy – the ability to feel safe, understood, and able to share vulnerability. In ND relationships, partners may struggle to connect emotionally due to differences in empathy or fear of being overwhelmed by a partner’s emotions. Without emotional closeness, sex can feel functional or disconnected. Porn may step in to fill this gap, providing a temporary sense of relief without the risks of vulnerability or relational exposure, but then the couple are back to square one.
This gap can create a cycle: partners may “fix” problems rather than share feelings, while ND individuals withdraw from emotional expression. Over time, sexual intimacy often mirrors this disconnection, becoming functional rather than emotionally engaging. The result is that unmet emotional needs can exacerbate hyper-vigilance, sensory sensitivity, and anxiety, all of which further impede sexual connection.
The problematic side of porn
It’s important to acknowledge the harms inherent in pornography:
- It often distorts natural sexual desire and expectations.
- It can desensitise users to normal arousal and intimacy.
- It contributes to unrealistic body standards and sexual scripts.
For ND adults, frequent porn use may reinforce avoidance of emotional and sexual intimacy, rather than addressing the root issues.
Supporting a healthier sexual connection
Interventions like couples therapy and coaching should focus on understanding the underlying needs driving porn use:
- Recognising sensory sensitivities and how they impact sexual activity. Working with a highly experienced, ND-informed therapist and coach, couples working with me gain valuable insights into how ND informs their dynamic, without staying stuck in it.
- Exploring emotional needs and creating safe spaces for vulnerability. I help couples articulate their emotional needs in a safe, non-judgmental space.
- Supporting sexual expression in ways that do not rely on porn. Together, we’ll develop strategies to balance solo sexual activities with relational intimacy, reducing avoidance patterns.
In this light, porn use is not simply a “bad habit”. It can be a symptom of unmet emotional and sensory needs. By addressing these needs directly, NDs and their partners can work toward more connected, fulfilling sexual relationships.
