The sandwich generation
Post-war generations have systematically moved away from communities of origin for work, travel and pleasure. For decades, this movement was framed as freedom: a sign of progress, ambition and autonomy. To leave home was to succeed. To build a life elsewhere was aspirational.
Yet what once looked like independence can begin to feel far less attractive when life reaches its more demanding stages.
This has led to a kind of diaspora, where families are dispersed across towns, cities and sometimes countries, and the practical consequences of that dispersal are becoming harder to ignore. A complete lack of community can leave young couples stranded and isolated, bringing up children (many with additional needs), whilst the older generation are often living alone and increasingly without the assistance that can help them maintain an independent life.
What happens when the people who once left home in search of opportunity are suddenly responsible for care in two directions at once?
A changing society
People are living longer and having their children later. The average age of first-time mothers in the UK has risen significantly, with many now having their first child in their early 30s. As of 2024, the standardised mean age for first-time mothers in England and Wales was 29.4 years, having increased by 2 years over the past two decades (Resolution Foundation).
This is the reality of the sandwich generation: adults who are simultaneously supporting young children and ageing parents, often while trying to sustain careers, relationships and their own wellbeing. It is the structural consequence of decades of social change, in which mobility and self-sufficiency have often come at the cost of community.
People are living longer and having their children later. Picture a 42-year-old woman having her first child whilst her ageing parents in their early 70s are beginning to need assistance. It is a very common scenario and, frankly, our current education and social care systems are not geared for it.
The cost of care for both children and the elderly is extortionate. Professional childcare is already prohibitive for many families, and elder care is no less daunting. Home support, residential care and specialist assistance are increasingly beyond the reach of ordinary households. The hidden result is that the burden falls back onto families who are already financially and emotionally stretched.
Where does that leave us?
It may be forcing us to revisit assumptions that have gone largely unquestioned for decades.
Intergenerational living can offer so much to so many of the group involved. Children benefit from wider emotional bonds and more hands-on support. Older adults often experience less isolation, more meaning and greater day-to-day connection. Midlife adults may find some of the relentless pressure of parenting and elder support softened by shared responsibility.
Europe never really gave it up. In many Mediterranean societies, young adults living at home well into adult life has remained culturally normal, and with it a more reciprocal model of family care. In contrast, the British ideal of independence has often equated adulthood with distance: geographical, emotional and practical. But the changing geopolitical and economic landscape means our younger generation cannot expect what the last 50 years offered their parents.
We put so much stock in the cultural idea of leaving home, tying success to independence. This pressure to leave home to be seen as an adult leaves countless people with no disposable income, living paycheque to paycheque. I wonder if this is something that the rise of so-called independence and autonomy hasn’t really considered.
Home ownership is delayed, childcare costs are soaring, and the state has repeatedly avoided confronting the care crisis now emerging in plain sight. Successive governments have avoided this, and it is reaching a crisis point.
Independence or isolation?
This raises a wider cultural question. Have our ideals of independence created a blind spot? Have we so valorised autonomy that we have forgotten that children and ageing parents still need villages?
The distinction between the somewheres and the anywheres makes a lot of sense here. The highly mobile, career-led ideal has delivered opportunity, but it may also have weakened the very local support systems that make family life sustainable during its most demanding phases.
Perhaps what we are seeing now is not a failure of families, but the limits of a model of living built around self-sufficiency alone. Do we need to revisit the rules of intergenerational living? Perhaps a new approach?
That may not mean a return to old family structures, but it could mean more imaginative ways of living in proximity: annexes, shared homes, co-housing, living on the same street, or simply building lives closer to those with whom care can be shared.
Our systems for care, education and housing were not built for this demographic reality. Perhaps the deeper question is whether our culture is ready to accept that autonomy and interdependence are (much like in romantic relationships) not opposites but partners.
Maybe the future of family resilience depends on remembering that.
