Navigate disagreements with kindness: tips for couples

Let’s be honest, disagreements are a fact of life in any relationship. And for neurodiverse couples, navigating those disagreements can feel like untangling a particularly stubborn knot. As a couples therapist specialising in neurodiversity, I see it all the time. 

The good news? With a few key strategies, you and your partner can transform those arguments into opportunities for a deeper connection. Whether you’re neurotypical or neurodiverse, the tips I’m about to share will transform the way you navigate conflict in your couple.

A strategic pause: de-escalating triggers 

Not everything we argue about is important.. And the heat of the moment can be a recipe for disaster. That’s why it’s crucial to have a pre-arranged “signal” you and your partner can use to call a timeout before things get out of hand. 

This isn’t about shutting down communication, but rather taking a strategic pause. It allows emotions to cool down, shifting you both away from the reactive, emotional part of the brain and back to the rational, problem-solving side. Remember, repetitive arguments fueled by anger and frustration only drive wedges deeper between partners. 

Resentment festers, creating a distance that can indicate there’s room for a third party. So, the next time a disagreement threatens to spiral, use your signal, take a breath, and come back to the conversation when you can both approach it with a clear head and a willingness to truly listen. Always ask yourself… Is this fight worth having? 

Context matters: creating your environment

Picking a fight when you’re tired is a guaranteed way to derail any productive conversation. Fatigue clouds judgement and makes clear communication nearly impossible. Conversations can quickly become fractured and fragmented, with each partner focusing on isolated points instead of the bigger picture. 

The words chosen in this state are more likely to be hurtful and not get your message across. Adding alcohol to the mix only increases the potential for misunderstandings and escalations. 

Imagine this: You come home after a long day, sensors overloaded. Your partner wants to thrash out a budget, but all you crave is quiet time. Sound familiar? Timing is everything. Trying to have a discussion when you’re both tired is a recipe for disaster.

Instead, why not agree on a dedicated time to discuss your differences? This allows each of you time to prepare your thoughts and approach the conversation with a calmer, more collected mind. Trust me, a well-timed conversation is far more effective than a late-night squabble fueled by exhaustion and frustration. Let’s choose calmness over chaos. 

Location matters too. You’re curled up on the sofa, a steaming mug of tea warming your hands. Now, compare that to a tense stand-off across the kitchen counter. The environment sets the tone. Choose a safe space, where you both feel comfortable expressing yourselves openly and honestly. Remember, vulnerability is key to building trust.

How do you best communicate?

It’s important to set yourself up for success. In addition to choosing the right time, there’s a whole world of communication styles waiting to be explored by neurodiverse couples. Don’t feel limited to the traditional sit-down chat. A walk in nature, a shared coffee – these create space for a more productive and, dare I say, even enjoyable conversation.

These situations can foster a more open dialogue, allowing you to process your thoughts side-by-side. For some couples, a mind map can be a powerful tool for untangling complex issues.

Couples therapy can also equip you with a toolbox of communication techniques specifically designed for neurodiverse couples. Don’t be afraid to experiment and find what works best for you. I can help you with this. As a specialist couples therapist and coach, I help couples to embrace their differences and rekindle their connection.

Remember, effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. By exploring different avenues of expression, you can move beyond the limitations of late-night, tired ramblings and unlock a deeper level of connection with your partner.

What’s the subject?: The big conversations

The big, complex conversations – the ones that loom large and often get pushed down the road – can feel like navigating a minefield for neurodiverse couples.  Hot-button topics like money, sex, parenting, health, and even household roles can easily trigger defensiveness and blame, shutting down any productive dialogue.

• Money matters. For many couples, money is a major flashpoint.  Disagreements can stem from different spending habits, saving goals, or financial anxieties. Here, a pre-conversation budget meeting can be beneficial.  Come prepared with your income, expenses, and financial goals.  Focus on creating a system that works for both of you, acknowledging your different perspectives and finding common ground.
• The unspoken language of sex. Sex is another topic often shrouded in secrecy or frustration. Open and honest communication is key. Schedule a dedicated time to discuss your sexual needs and desires, focusing on creating a safe space for vulnerability. Explore different communication styles that work for you, whether it’s a written list, open conversation, or using visual aids. Remember, a fulfilling sex life is built on mutual understanding and a willingness to experiment. Here are some books I recommend about sex and intimacy.
• The parenting puzzle. Parenting philosophies can be a source of disagreement for both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples. One partner might crave structure and routine, while the other values flexibility and spontaneity. Instead of fighting, work towards establishing a parenting style that incorporates both your strengths. Discuss expectations, communication styles with your children, and disciplinary approaches. Couples therapy specialising in neurodiversity can provide valuable tools and strategies for navigating these complexities.
• Navigating health concerns. Health issues can add another layer of stress to a relationship. Whether it’s managing a chronic illness, dealing with addiction, or simply establishing healthy habits, open communication is essential. Listen to each other’s concerns, and work together to create a support system. If one partner struggles with, say, excessive alcohol consumption, focus on collaborative solutions – exploring healthier coping mechanisms or seeking professional help together.
• The equality equation. Household roles and expectations can be a source of tension, particularly as traditional gender roles evolve. Discuss what “fairness” means to each of you. Consider creating a chore chart or schedule that takes into account individual strengths and preferences. Remember, equality doesn’t always mean a 50/50 split; it’s about finding a balance that works for your unique partnership.

By tackling these sensitive topics one at a time, with empathy, and a willingness to compromise, you can transform these difficult conversations into opportunities for deeper connection and a stronger relationship. Remember, you’re not adversaries, you’re a team working towards a shared goal: a stronger, more fulfilling connection.

Disagreements are inevitable, but they don’t have to be destructive. By choosing the issues that really matter, creating a safe space for communication, and expressing yourselves with kindness and understanding, you can navigate those rough patches with grace. 

Still feeling stuck? Don’t hesitate to get in touch. As a couples therapist specialising in neurodiversity, I can help you unlock the secrets to effective communication and build a relationship that thrives, not just survives. Let’s start the conversation.