Resolving the “mental load” imbalance in your relationship
Key points:
Unequal distribution of labour: Many couples experience an unequal distribution of household and family responsibilities, often with one partner carrying a disproportionate “mental load” – the invisible cognitive labour of managing daily life.
“Parent-child” dynamic: This imbalance can create a “parent-child” dynamic within the relationship, where one partner feels like they are constantly managing and caring for the other.
Origins of inequality: Inequality can arise from various factors, including differing expectations, communication styles, traditional gender roles, societal pressures, and neurodivergence.
Impact on intimacy: The “parent-child” dynamic can significantly impact intimacy and desire, leading to resentment, distance, and a decline in romantic connection.
Addressing the “shefault”: The concept of the “shefault”, posed by Eve Rodsky, acknowledges the assumption that women are by default responsible for domestic tasks.
The Parent Child Dynamic
Many couples find themselves in a dynamic that resembles a parent-child relationship, with one partner feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the family, home, finances, and child-rearing responsibilities. This often stems from an unequal distribution of the “mental load” – the invisible cognitive labour involved in managing household logistics and family life.
Years of shouldering this inequality can breed resentment, dislike, and even contempt, making it difficult to repair the relationship. However, for many couples, the goal is to address this imbalance and cultivate a true partnership where both adults share responsibility for managing their lives and family.
How does inequality emerge in a couple?
Inequality in neurotypical couples
Inequality can arise from a variety of factors, including differing expectations, communication styles, and varying levels of emotional labour. Traditional gender roles, societal pressures, and ingrained habits can contribute to an uneven distribution of responsibilities (see VeryWellMind).
For example, one partner may unconsciously assume a more dominant role in decision-making or household management, while the other may default to a more accommodating or caregiving position. These dynamics can evolve gradually and subtly, often going unnoticed until resentment builds up.
Furthermore, life events such as the arrival of children, career changes, or health challenges can significantly disrupt the established balance within a relationship, leading to new forms of inequality if not addressed proactively.
Inequality in couples with neurodivergence
Inequality can happen in neurotypical couples, but the risk increases when one part of the couple is neurodivergent. These are some of the difficulties that can emerge:
- Communication issues. There can be a number of communication issues present in neurodivergent people. For example, with ADHD, the person can have great difficulty focusing in conversations. This is not necessarily a reflection of how much or how little they care, but it is a common inattentive symptom.
- Procrastination. This can become an issue in couples with a lot of responsibilities because it is often misconstrued as laziness and can cause a huge imbalance if unmanaged. Procrastination can be a symptom of ADHD, AS, and AuDHD. For people with AS, procrastination can be a result of anxiety or sensory overload. For people with ADHD, distractions can be an issue and they can struggle with motivation.
- Short-term memory issues. Issues remembering tasks can really take their toll on a couple because one person can feel forced into a role where they have to “nag”. This is not pleasant for either party. Losing one’s keys, missing appointments and relying on reminders can cause a build-up of resentment over time.
The neurotypical partner may find themselves compensating for the neurodivergent partner’s challenges. This can almost become a new normal, but the exhaustion of taking too much on creeps up on the couple and drives a wedge of resentment between them.
This has a knock-on effect on both parties. The neurodivergent person may already have low self esteem which gets worse when the frustration builds up. Being criticised and feeling like a burden can have an impact on their self worth and worsen the situation.
Parent-child dynamics also impact desire and passion
The “parent-child” dynamic not only creates resentment and imbalance within a relationship, but it also significantly impacts intimacy and desire. When one partner constantly feels burdened and overwhelmed by the weight of household and family responsibilities, it’s difficult to maintain a sense of attraction and desire for the other partner.
Having to ‘nag’,, the feeling of being taken for granted, and a perceived lack of appreciation can create a significant emotional distance that erodes intimacy. In addition,stress and exhaustion associated with carrying the mental load can leave little room for romance and passion, making it difficult to connect with your partner on an intimate level.
Efforts to address the “shefault” in relationships
The elephant in the room in any conversation about parent-child dynamics is the invisible work women still do in relationships. The imbalance does not always present this way, but there is no denying its persistence. Thankfully, the cultural conversation is now acknowledging this. One example is the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, which tackles the hidden burden of unpaid domestic labour that often falls disproportionately on one partner, mirroring the power dynamics within families. Rodsky focuses on women in particular, calling it the “shefault”, a play on words of the word “default” which takes the gendering of tasks for granted.
Rodsky, drawing from personal struggles and extensive research, presents a system that helps couples recognise and redistribute these often-overlooked tasks. By identifying 100 essential household duties and establishing clear rules, Fair Play empowers partners to create a more equitable division of labour.
This approach, presented through an engaging card game, goes beyond simply assigning chores. It encourages couples to prioritise family needs while fostering deeper connections and reclaiming valuable time for personal growth and pursuing passions.
Just as parents strive to raise independent and responsible children, couples can use Fair Play to cultivate a more balanced and respectful partnership, recognising the value and importance of each other’s contributions.
How do we address an imbalance in mental load?
Concise, clear collaboration with accountability is the key to addressing imbalance and achieving a fair distribution of workload.
Often, assumptions are made about who is responsible for what, leading to tasks being neglected. This can stem from procrastination, a lack of clarity about expectations, or simply a lack of knowledge about what needs to be done.
For the partner carrying the mental load, it can be even more frustrating if they think their partner “should know” what needs to be done. However there are many “often unknown areas in the realm of complex domestic routines. Meaning someone may not know all of the steps that make a task more manageable. The assumption that the other partner has taken notice of routines, cupboard tidiness, organisation, and laundry can leads to serious arguments.
To improve this, couples should establish a regular scheduled meeting – a “Family PLC” meeting – where they discuss and decide on the week’s tasks. During this meeting, both partners can volunteer their services based on their schedules and agree on who will handle which responsibilities.
Crucially, this is not about creating a “to-do list” for the neurodivergent partner. It’s about true collaboration, where both partners act as directors of the household, jointly deciding how to navigate the week, including date night.
While seemingly simple, many couples find it incredibly difficult to implement this regular meeting. However, checking in with your partner and readjusting your mutual goals as needed is all part of “The Deal” which is my blueprint for couple success.
Evening out the “mental load” has profound positive effects on the couple and family. Perhaps most importantly, it fosters a powerful sense of teamwork. By sharing the cognitive burden of managing their lives, both partners experience a renewed sense of collaboration and partnership, working together as a team to organise their world.
Source: VeryWellMind, Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
