Unmasking within the couple relationship
For many neurodivergent (ND) individuals, the journey to self-discovery is a long and often hidden one. Years spent masking – suppressing stims, forcing eye contact, and silencing intense special interests – create a facade that allows them to navigate a world built for neurotypical (NT) minds. This learned behaviour, born from early experiences of social rejection and ridicule, becomes an unconscious strategy, a “false self” as psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott describes it, a protective layer built to survive. While NTs also engage in forms of masking, the intensity and necessity for ND individuals is often far greater, leading to unique challenges in relationships.
Understanding this history of masking is crucial for couples. The constant strain of maintaining this facade can lead to ND burnout, a state of profound exhaustion and emotional vulnerability. During these periods, the carefully constructed mask crumbles, revealing behaviours and needs that may be unfamiliar or even unsettling to an NT partner. This can manifest as withdrawal or heightened sensitivity, potentially triggering feelings of rejection or misunderstanding.
The NT partner, accustomed to a certain level of social interaction and often possessing greater social stamina, might misinterpret these behaviours as personal attacks or a lack of interest.
Why do people mask neurodiversity?
As outlined in “how neurodivergence is missed in childhood”, NDs mask for many years to fit in at school and work. Before more public awareness about neurodiversity, many people masked their whole lives. People mask because they learn early on that their social difficulties and stims are not accepted. They may also be made fun of for their special interests and learn that talking about them at length provokes ridicule.
Often this happens at a young age, and it causes people to mask without necessarily being conscious of masking. While some are diagnosed in childhood, others, especially those who are considered “high functioning”, often take years to suspect ADHD or AS.
Masking as a defensive strategy
It is important to note that neurotypical people also mask. The masking experience is likely more intense for neurodivergent people. Masking and other strategies for surviving the world are called the “false self” in a theory developed by Donald Winnicott.
Winnicott’s theory describes two fundamental aspects of the self:
- The true self, representing genuine, spontaneous experience and a feeling of authentic aliveness,
- The false self, a defensive facade created to navigate environments where the true self is not validated.
The true self develops from early infancy through responsive parenting, while the false self emerges when a child needs to comply with external expectations, potentially leading to a sense of emptiness.
Essentially, the true self is about authentic being, and the false self is about adaptive doing, sometimes at the expense of genuine self-expression. The false self is a protective mechanism that can be necessary for survival.
What happens in a burnout?
The constant effort of masking can lead to Autistic or ADHD burnout, a state of profound exhaustion where the ability to maintain the facade crumbles. This breakdown can be a distressing and disorienting experience, marking a significant turning point in an individual’s self-awareness.
Autism, ADHD and AuDHD can often co-occur with depression and anxiety. People who experience burnout can find that it is wrongly attributed to anxiety and depression rather than the actual cause. Diagnosis can induce both relief and a profound sense of grief for the misunderstood past.
The impact of masking on relationships
For neurodivergent individuals, the desire to unmask and embrace their true selves is often strong. However, this can create a complex dynamic in relationships. It’s not always as simple as being masked or unmasked. Being completely unmasked can lead to distress if the ND lacks to tools to self-regulate.
Relationships are ideally safe spaces for authenticity. It is important to handle the unmasking process with care. The challenge lies in finding a middle ground, where individuals can be their authentic selves while maintaining fairness and accountability.
Ideally, a neurodivergent person feels comfortable enough to unmask in their relationship. Even so, this can present challenges. During a burnout, a neurodivergent person can appear withdrawn or even nonverbal. For the neurotypical partner, this can feel a lot like withdrawing from them and it can be hard not to take personally. It is important to keep the following things in mind:
- The NT partner might be burned out from masking at work or in social situations. As much as a neurotypical partner may be able to understand masking and even mask themselves to an extent, a misunderstanding can occur when the neurotypical partner has more social stamina.
- Neurotypical people who consider themselves introverted might recognise this as needing a period of rest and seclusion after being around people in order to recharge.
- There is a difference between needing some time out to relax and unmask and becoming dysregulated.
Communication is key to understanding a diagnosis in a relationship
Diagnosis, while a pivotal moment, is merely the starting point of the unmasking journey. It is not an instantaneous transformation, but a gradual process of self-discovery and acceptance. Years of ingrained masking behaviours cannot be undone overnight. Unmasking within the intimate space of a couple adds another layer of complexity.
Trust, vulnerability, and a shared understanding are essential as the ND partner begins to explore their authentic self. This requires patience from both partners, as the ND individual navigates newfound self-awareness. The NT partner will need to adapt to evolving communication styles and needs.
The NT partner may find the adjustments particularly challenging, as established communication patterns and expectations shift. They may struggle to differentiate between the ND partner’s authentic self and the behaviours they’ve come to expect, leading to confusion or misinterpretations. The unmasking process necessitates a willingness from both parties to learn, unlearn, and actively participate in creating a shared language of understanding.
The journey to unmasking is not a linear one, and relationships become a vital testing ground for authenticity. Ideally, the relationship provides a safe space for the ND partner to gradually reveal their true self. However, this process requires immense patience, understanding, and open communication from both partners. By learning about neurodiversity, recognising the impact of masking, and developing healthy coping strategies, couples can navigate these challenges and build a strong, supportive foundation for a fulfilling relationship.
