Walking on eggshells in your relationship
So many couples spend a lot of their time together “walking on eggshells” – but what is it?
Walking on eggshells is that space where you’re attempting to keep everything superficial and surface-level. This is so as not to set off any negative reactions. It’s choosing silence rather than saying, “Hi, how’s your day gone?” in case the question somehow leads to a negative response.
A Way of Avoiding Escalation
When you avoid interactions, unspoken volatility gets glossed over. It can also be the almost unconscious withdrawal from meaningful conversation. This means communication has broken down. There is a perceived threat to the status quo hanging in the ether and both parties of the couple quietly stay in their lane. This can feel like a good way to avoid misunderstandings or escalations.
Escalations can sweep up the couple in a “twister” – a tornado of repetition. Old patterns, the same arguments, leading to withdrawal and days of silence.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
The escalation of an argument is particularly true for my neurodiverse clients. It’s much more likely with NDs because of a reaction triggered by Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD causes an intense emotional pain from either a failure or a rejection (even if it’s only a perceived rejection), stemming from a conflict. For those who suffer with RSD, it repeats relentlessly. Many do not even realise it’s happening to them – they’re too entrenched in the experience to see it. When RSD is triggered, genuine communications stops and executive function can be impaired, another difficulty of ADHD or AS.
Repeating the cycle
When communication breaks down, this leads to misunderstandings and continues the cycle of walking on eggshells. Whatever triggered the person with RSD, the conversation gets arrested at that point – the other person might have moved on or tried to explain their side, but the person with ND cannot take this information in. This means the argument can’t be resolved at that point because both parties are having different conversations.
Unresolved Conflict Widens the Gap
Walking on eggshells can happen to any couple if there is unresolved conflict between them. They will both try to avoid contact with each other if they believe that a solution cannot be found. This widens the gap. For example, one partner perhaps overstepped a boundary at a social engagement. Perhaps their partner thinks they were flirting with somebody or they had a glass of wine too many. Perhaps the behaviour is an ongoing issue in the couple but it’s too emotional and risky to bring up, so they avoid it.
There might be issues that are just too difficult to bring up because the differences in opinion will only lead to defensiveness. This creates a cycle of blame. The couple avoids talking about the big issue. Instead, they talk and argue about small issues (they are arguing indirectly about the bigger issue).
Resentment Builds
It’s miserable to live like this. The usual pattern is that attempts are made to avoid any possibility of a reactive conversation. That creates a silent acquiescence, which leads to resentment accumulating – and resentment is the biggest romance killer.
Being able to talk together without fear of it turning into an argument is critical to any relationship. Your relationship is the safe place that both of you come home to after a day in the world. If it’s full of trip wires and difficulties, it becomes dangerous to show vulnerability and seek and give support. This can lead to living separate lives. One person is “working” all evening, the other is watching YouTube. Both are avoiding bedtime.
How Couples Coaching Helps
By the time I meet some couples, they are past being able to navigate the eggshells. In couples therapy, we work together to unpick the issues and identify the problems that they are having. We tease out the threads of the conversations and try to identify the triggers that are causing conversations to escalate.
Not every day is going to be seamless because no relationship is perfect, but I work with couples to help them turn their silence and eggshells back into a safe space. One where they can understand each other and navigate an issue as a team.
Relationships aren’t always easy. However, it’s living and loving alongside one another and managing the communication breakdowns before they manifest as these insurmountable eggshells that paves the way to relationship success.
