When is a lie a lie in couples?
When I work with couples, I am all too often faced with the ongoing dilemma of:
“That’s not the truth!”
“That’s not what happened.”
The problem with this is that everyone has a different perspective of the “truth” of any situation. This is especially the case in couples. Each part of the couple has their own version of what happened – and their own emotional landscape – and this is their unshakeable truth.
“Little” Lies
What often happens is that lines are “blurred” rather than outright lies. Perhaps someone is covering up for tasks unfinished or a forgotten promise, or a deadline not met. Then the lie is used to cover up the shame, assumed disappointment and – most dreaded of all – disapproval. Rather than face up to it, small or “white” lies are told.
Then there is the dramatic element of embellishment. We have all done it… edit the truth for comedic affect. It isn’t necessarily intended to be malicious.
A major breach of trust
A major breach of trust occurs when someone deliberately lies to deceive the other. Where couples are concerned, there are two main areas in which lies like this are used: money and infidelity.
Money Matters
Money matters. It might not when couples first get into relationships but over time, it can make or break a couple. There are times in the life of a couple where lies are used to hide what has really happened.
Just recently, I worked with a couple where this was exactly the case. One partner had run up debt on a credit card without having the means to pay, with the hope that their partner would not find out. When their partner did find out, it caused a huge upset between them. The belief was that they had a pact around open conversation and transparency. This illustrated a huge difference between them.
This is a common theme in many couples. If addiction is present, credit is often used to finance the need: be it drugs, alcohol, substances or gambling. When the debt becomes too much to bear, the partner starts to notice differences in behaviour – particularly towards themselves as the shame and fear of the consequence starts to become more apparent.
The second case recently was where one member of the couple had lost their job but could not bear to tell their partner. This was very sad. In order not to have to admit to it, he would leave the house at the usual time every day as if to go to work and spend his time wandering until he was sure she had left for work. Then he would hide out at his own house until dinner time.
Both of these scenarios are where a partner finds themselves unable to share their truth. Why?
Embarrassment and shame
Fear of disappointing their partners
Terror at the thought of their partners packing and leaving
Guilt at taking the family into a precarious financial state
It’s a very tough situation for a couple to find themselves in.
Trust is completely broken – can they communicate well enough to actually talk? Can they talk about the vulnerability, anger, fear and confusion that reigns in a scenario like this? Sometimes, family members are called in to help. Sometimes it’s friends and, often, therapists.
It’s difficult for the excluded partner to imagine that it won’t happen again so they become hyper-vigilant in their scrutiny of the other. This leads the other to feel even more inadequate but with the added difficulty of having to be consistent with new behaviours.
Money problems and neurodiversity
Money management can be a difficult area across relationships but where ND is present, there are certain core issues that arise time and time again. ADHD traits can make money management difficult. Executive function, dopamine chasing, impulsivity, emotional regulation and working memory challenges can all impact a responsible approach to money management.
Autistic traits can be equally challenging. The management may be very rigid and that can lead to hoarding or excessive frugality. Difficulties with sharing finances or systems with partners can also happen, as anxiety can be so high around keeping track of the systems.
When a couple is impacted by ND, there can be real problems around the management of money. This in turn leads to difficulties between the partners, especially when the traits are not understood and are experienced as extravagance or frugality.
Infidelity and dishonesty
The second area where deliberate dishonesty shows up in couples is infidelity. This is often the most emotionally charged and destabilising form of deception, not just because of what has happened, but because of the sustained concealment that usually surrounds it.
Infidelity is rarely a single moment of betrayal. More often, it is a series of small decisions that accumulate over time: boundaries softened, justifications made, truths withheld. What makes this so damaging is not only the sexual or emotional involvement with another person, but the parallel reality that is created. One partner is living in a shared relationship; the other is managing two narratives at once.
As with financial dishonesty, shame and fear sit at the centre. Fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of being seen fully. Many people tell themselves they are “protecting” their partner by not disclosing what is happening. In reality, this removes the other person’s agency. They are denied the opportunity to respond honestly to the reality of their relationship.
The impact of infidelity
When infidelity comes to light, the impact can be profound.
The betrayed partner often experiences a complete rupture of the safety they felt. They begin to question not only the relationship, but their own perception, judgement and memories. This can lead to hyper-vigilance, intrusive thoughts and a desperate need for reassurance.
For the partner who has been unfaithful, there is often a complex mix of guilt, defensiveness and a wish to move on quickly from the disclosure, which can feel deeply invalidating to the other.
In my work with couples, what becomes clear is that infidelity is rarely about sex alone. It often emerges from disconnection, unmet needs, identity struggles or long-standing communication breakdowns. That does not excuse the behaviour, but it does matter if a couple is attempting to understand what happened and whether repair is possible.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is slow and requires sustained effort. Transparency must replace secrecy. Accountability has to be consistent, not performative.
The betrayed partner needs space to ask questions and express anger, grief and confusion without being rushed towards forgiveness. The unfaithful partner has to tolerate discomfort and stay emotionally present rather than retreating into shame or minimisation.
Creating a safe space
What is needed is a safe space for both to be able to talk about their fears, how to make a plan and how to manage the situation. Rebuilding trust is a slow and agonising process for most couples.
It can take years to rebuild trust. With sustained effort, slowly but surely, the suspicion, residual pain and scrutiny is replaced with a more easily formulated flow between the couple.
For some couples, the rupture is too great and the relationship ends. For others, the work of repair leads to a more honest and connected relationship than existed before.
Once broken, trust can only be rebuilt through time, consistency and a willingness to face difficult truths together. What matters is that both partners are willing to engage with the reality of what has happened and do the work of rebuilding trust.
