Beyond serial monogamy
People often say there is no one and only, and that serial monogamy is now our new normal. I agree that relationship rules have changed, but I believe this creates an opportunity to think more deeply about what love and commitment can become over time.
We have dismantled many of the old rules around relationships, and in many ways that is entirely right. It has given us greater freedom to choose our partners and shape our relationships in ways that fit our lives. Yet I wonder whether, alongside that freedom, we have begun to see relationships through a new lens: if a relationship no longer feels quite as good as it once did, perhaps it is time for something different.
We move through relationships looking for someone who can create the feelings we associate with being in love: connection, desire, reciprocity, excitement and being understood. These experiences draw us together and help us build intimacy.
Then the ordinary long-term relationship arrives, and it looks slightly different.
The intensity of new love begins to settle, making room for something deeper. Familiarity replaces mystery, shared history replaces fantasy, and love asks a different question. “How do we continue growing connection, desire and understanding through the realities of a shared life?”
The reality of ordinary long-term love
Partnerships at times can bring with them natural feelings of disappointment, boredom, and frustration. Couples experience periods of disconnection, sex that changes shape, and two people developing at different speeds. It’s possible to interpret those normal phases as evidence that love has died. But in many cases, it’s that love has become something that two people know how to do together rather than something that happens to them.
Research from the Gottman Institute offers a helpful lens here, revealing that roughly 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems. This research was documented across decades of longitudinal research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Rather than signs of relationship failure the findings reveal ongoing issues rooted in fundamental differences in personality, temperament or lifestyle needs.
The couples who thrive over decades are the ones who learn how to manage those differences with curiosity, respect and emotional safety.
Everyday micro-moments and the work of staying
Sustaining a long-term partnership and an enduring connection is built in the smallest, most ordinary moments of daily life.
Psychologists call these bids for connection: subtle, everyday ways partners reach out for attention, humour, affection, or support. A casual comment about the weather, a sigh over a difficult day, or an invitation to look at something funny are all quiet bids to be seen. In relationships that stand the test of time, partners learn to turn toward these bids rather than ignoring or missing them.
When we consistently meet each other’s small emotional outreach with presence and care, we build a deep emotional reserve. That reserve is what carries a couple through seasons where the initial excitement recedes. The heavier work of logistics, family life and ageing takes over.
Moving from leaving kindly to learning how to stay
We currently live in a culture that values respectful endings. People have become remarkably skilled at recognising when a dynamic is no longer serving them and parting ways with grace.
We need a much better understanding of what happens to two people over a long period of time and through different phases. Otherwise, we get very good at leaving relationships kindly without ever developing an understanding of how to be in relationships and stay in them.
“We need a much better understanding of what happens to two people over a long period of time and through different phases.”
Sustaining commitment asks us to tolerate ordinary disappointment without assuming the foundation is cracked. It requires us to communicate through boredom, to hold space for each other’s differences, and to accept that our partner will change and grow alongside us.
Reflecting on your own relationship
When ordinary friction arrives in a partnership, it helps to pause and examine the story we are telling ourselves about it.
- Are we treating natural periods of disconnection as proof that the relationship is broken?
- How do we respond when our partner reaches out in small, everyday ways for our attention?
- Are we willing to learn how to actively build connection rather than waiting for it to happen to us?
After the initial momentum, real partnerships thrive with learning how to navigate life’s changing seasons together. Perhaps the opportunity lies in learning how to recognise, nurture and value the different forms love can take across the life of a relationship.
If you are navigating the transition from early relationship excitement to the complexities of long-term commitment, having a dedicated space to talk through those shifts can help. Learn more about my approach.
