Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Communication

Every couple longs for free flowing reciprocal communication where they feel loved, seen and heard by their partner.

Oftentimes emotions get in the way of achieving this.
When neurodivergence is present there is a risk of very heightened emotional reactions that can trigger difficult reactions.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

This is where emotions have been triggered to the point where all one can hear is criticism , attack and rejection. It feels like “ knives in the heart” as one clients described.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria can follow on from a triggering word, look or action.

Emotitional Reactivity

Emotional reactivity is made up of assumption and personal feelings that can cause miscommunication. This can hinder the ability of a couple to truly understand each other.

With ND where emotional reactivity and regulation are difficult to manage many many conversations turn into mine fields of hurt, rejection and basic misunderstanding.

The reason is that as soon as any of us are emotionally triggered we become less able to think rationally . Our executive function is compromised,

Repetitive Cycles

Couples can end up in a cycle of miscommunication that can either escalate into an argument or a brutal withdrawal taking days for the couple to be able to speak to each other again.

These cycles can feel so repetitive and unresolvable. There is often a sense of injustice felt by the more ND partner that can prolong the situation, whilst the other feels confused and hurt.

Often these episodes are left unresolved as the couple are unable to trust that they can mange a resolution.

Couple Dynamics

Couple dynamics are full of complicated emotional reaction from both parties. 

Understanding each other and the dynamic you create together is key to making communication positive.

Strategies for improving communication

1.| Understanding of the dynamics of ED & RSD

A couple  can learn about these issues  together so they can start to create ways to avoid the consequences.

2.| Code words

An agreed word that means something to the couple. Either member of the couple can use this when they begin to sense a cycle brewing . It’s a sign to move away from each other… take time to settle the reactivity and return to a conversation rather than an escalation.

Over time the couple can begin to recognise the triggers that create the tension.

3.| Traffic lights system

Use Red / Amber / Green to indicate if one or the other is feeling calm or needs some space.

4.| Numbers 1 – 5

The couple manage to avoid the “twister”like escalation by letting each other know when that are not calm individually.

There are so many ways a couple can create their own private language around strengths and weaknesses .

Working with a therapist that understands the impact of ND can change these patterns and reverse the cycle of repeated , hurtful often “ boring” cycles and create new patterns of behaviour that lead to that longed for calm kind communication.