Rewriting inherited relationship scripts
The stories we tell about love
When a couple walks into the therapy room, I don’t just meet two individuals. I meet two entire histories. Their parents, siblings, caretakers, even grandparents. These are all present in the ways they speak, argue, reach or retreat. We might not want to admit it, but our early experiences with receiving care have a lifelong impact on how we naturally interact.
In his short story ‘What We Talk About When We Talk About Love’, Raymond Carver once wrote about four people sitting around a kitchen table, trying to answer a simple but impossible question: What is love, really? One woman insisted her violent, possessive ex “loved” her because he was willing to die for it. Her friends rejected that idea outright. Around the table, no one could fully agree but everyone felt they were right. That tension sits at the heart of so many relationships: We use the same word, ‘love’, but we don’t always mean the same thing.
That’s why, in couples therapy, we go deeper than “Do you love each other?” The real work begins when we ask: What did love look like in the home you came from? Was it safe? Chaotic? Earned? Conditional? Silent? Performed? Fought for?
Every relationship sits at the centre of a huge stretch of inherited stories about love, loyalty, conflict, and repair. Some of these stories support us. Others quietly restrict us.
Recognising these inherited scripts is the first step towards true change in a relationship. We cannot rewrite what we have never named.
The genogram: mapping emotional inheritance
One tool I often use is the genogram. The genogram is a map of family relationships that goes beyond names and dates. It explores emotional realities:
- Who was close?
- Who was distant?
- Who held the anger, the silence, the responsibility?
Through this, patterns begin to emerge. We see how conflict was handled, where communication broke down and how love was expressed or withheld. Hidden rules surface: “don’t talk about problems”, “love means fixing others”, “anger is dangerous”. These become scripts that we latch onto and they live on in our adult partnerships, unchallenged and unconscious.
Neurodivergence and family patterns
In many families, neurodivergence (such as ADHD or AS) has been present across generations, but historically unnamed. A parent’s unmanaged neurodivergence may have appeared as inconsistency, emotional volatility, or disengagement. This is not necessarily out of lack of love, but lack of understanding.
When couples recognise that what they inherited wasn’t bad character but unmet neurobiological needs, compassion often replaces blame. We stop pathologising traits and start contextualising them. This inclusion is essential. Neurodivergent couples are not a footnote in couple therapy; they are part of the story of how families adapt across time.
How family dynamics influence partner choice
We often believe we choose our partners freely. Yet, unconsciously, we are drawn to what feels familiar. Even when that familiarity is painful. This can be a tough pill to swallow because the one of the most important things about becoming an adult is making our own choices. It can feel hard to accept that these choices are unconsciously influenced by our upbringing.
- A childhood spent caregiving may lead us to seek partners who need rescuing.
- A home ruled by volatility may make calm feel uncomfortable.
- A lifetime of walking on eggshells may lead us to partners who replicate that emotional terrain.
Don’t think of these as failures. They are simply patterns seeking resolution and healing. Therapy helps couples recognise when they are reenacting, rather than relating.
Attachment styles in intimacy
Attachment theory isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of couples therapy but it does offer language for how early care shapes adult connection:
- Secure – “I can depend and be depended on.”
- Anxious – “I fear losing you, so I cling or pursue.”
- Avoidant – “I fear engulfment, so I withdraw.”
- Disorganised – “I want closeness, but closeness feels unsafe.”
In couples therapy, naming attachment styles helps partners understand why one needs reassurance while the other needs space. Once understood, patterns can be softened. This is done by learning new ways to love safely in the present.
Rewriting your couple script
It’s not enough to know what patterns are harmful. You must ask yourselves and each other, “okay, we understand this, but what now?”
Healing within a couple begins when they realise: “we can write a new story of what love means to us”. Together in couples therapy, we examine those rules they grew up with – that conflict means danger, that care means control, that one’s needs are a burden – and deconstruct them and question their place in the relationship. Do those beliefs still belong?
