Emotional Cheating
Discussing emotional cheating on The Girls Bathroom podcast
When I appeared on The Girls Bathroom podcast, one of the listener dilemmas centred on a question many couples struggle with: when does a friendship become something more?
The dilemma involved a woman who had become increasingly uncomfortable with the relationship between her boyfriend and a female colleague. There was no evidence of a physical affair, but there were daily messages, emotional support, regular contact outside work and a growing sense that the colleague occupied a significant place in her partner’s life.
What made the situation particularly interesting was that the concern was not really about one text message or one night out. It was about a pattern. During the discussion, we explored several themes that commonly arise in my therapy room:
- The growing phenomenon of work wives, work husbands and workplace best friends.
- How social media and constant communication can fuel insecurity and suspicion.
- The difference between friendship and emotional intimacy.
The role of boundaries in protecting relationships. - Why daily messaging can sometimes feel threatening.
- How easily emotional dependence can develop without anyone intending it.
- The importance of noticing when a third person starts becoming emotionally significant.
- The risks of triangulation, where somebody outside the relationship begins occupying space that should belong to the couple.
These conversations raise an important question. If affairs are not always physical, how do we know when a line has been crossed?
Emotional cheating: When does a friendship cross the line?
Most people think cheating starts with a kiss. In my therapy room, that is rarely where the story begins. More often, it starts with a message. Then another. A colleague becomes a confidant. A friendship becomes the place someone turns when they are stressed, excited, frustrated or lonely. Before long, a partner starts to feel as though they are no longer playing a leading role in their own relationship.
This is where conversations about emotional affairs become complicated. Because having close friends is healthy. Having friendships outside your relationship is healthy. Having colleagues you get on with is completely normal. The problem is not the friendship itself. The problem is when emotional energy that belongs inside the relationship gradually starts flowing elsewhere.
The windows and walls that protect a relationship
A useful way to understand emotional affairs comes from relationship psychologist Shirley Glass and her book, Not ‘Just Friends’. Glass described healthy relationships as having both windows and walls.
The window exists between partners. It represents openness, honesty and emotional intimacy. Through that window, couples share their worries, frustrations, fears, hopes and vulnerabilities. It is where the most important conversations happen. The wall faces the outside world. It protects the relationship from outside threats and creates healthy boundaries around emotional and physical intimacy.
It does not mean shutting other people out entirely. It simply means recognising that some vital parts of your emotional life belong within your relationship. Problems often begin when these boundaries are reversed. Instead of talking to their partner about a relationship difficulty, somebody starts confiding in a colleague, friend or former partner.
The window that should be facing inward slowly opens outward. At the same time, they may begin hiding those conversations from their partner. Messages are deleted. Interactions are downplayed. Details are omitted. The wall that should protect the relationship from outside interference is suddenly being built between the couple themselves.
From the outside, it may look as though nothing significant has happened. There has been no physical affair. No dramatic confession. No obvious betrayal. Yet the injured partner often senses that something important has changed. The openness that once existed between the couple has diminished, while intimacy with somebody else has quietly increased. In my therapy room, this is often where emotional affairs begin; not with a grand romantic gesture, but with a gradual shift in where vulnerability, attention and emotional energy are directed.
Who do you tell first?
This is something you should ask yourself. When something exciting happens, who gets the message? When you’ve had a terrible day, who gets the phone call? When you’re upset with your partner, who hears about it? The answers can tell us a lot about where intimacy is sitting.
Most emotional affairs do not begin with an intention to betray anyone. They develop quietly. Two people spend time together. They share experiences. They understand each other’s daily lives. They become important to one another. This is particularly common in workplaces. Colleagues often spend more waking hours together than partners do.
They share deadlines, frustrations, office politics and successes. That can create a strong sense of connection. But this is where I encourage people to be careful not to confuse convenience with compatibility. Just because someone understands your working day does not necessarily mean they understand you better than your partner. Sometimes proximity creates a feeling of closeness that can be mistaken for something deeper.
The question is not whether you have a close friendship. The question is whether that friendship is beginning to compete with your relationship.
What is actually over the line?
Every relationship will have slightly different boundaries. For one couple, regular one-to-one lunches may feel perfectly acceptable. For another, that would create discomfort. There are no universal rules. The goal is to create a shared understanding in your relationship.
That said, there are some common warning signs. You may be crossing a line if:
- You hide conversations from your partner.
- You delete messages.
- You downplay the importance of the friendship.
- You discuss relationship problems with others instead of addressing them at home.
- You feel defensive when your partner raises concerns.
- You seek emotional comfort from them before seeking it from your partner.
- You would feel uncomfortable if your partner read the messages.
- You find yourself comparing your partner to them.
These behaviours may suggest that boundaries need examining.
In therapy, clients often say: “I could almost understand a drunken kiss. This feels worse.” Because emotional affairs are built through hundreds of small choices, the injury is a deeply relational form of infidelity in the relationship. The partner feels replaced rather than just deceived.
The conversation couples need to have
When concerns about emotional cheating arise, couples immediately focus on the third person, but the more useful question looks inward at the hidden dynamics of the relationship itself: what vital needs are not being met, and where has connection been lost? Have we missed opportunities to foster intellectual intimacy in the relationship?
None of this excuses betrayal, but repairing the painful damage requires a deep understanding of what allowed the emotional distance to develop in the first place. Ultimately, the strongest relationships are not the ones that never encounter temptation. They are the ones where both people notice when intimacy is drifting elsewhere and bravely dare to turn back towards each other in times of crisis.
